A Long December

A real book is not one that we read, but one that reads us. -W.H. Auden, poet (1907-1973)

A speech belongs half to the speaker and half to the listener. -Michel de Montaigne, essayist (1533-1592)

The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience. -Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)

All ideas are already in the brain, just as all statues are in the marble. -Carlo Dossi, author and diplomat (1849-1910)

What the mind doesn't understand, it worships or fears. -Alice Walker, author (b. 1944)

The dust of exploded beliefs may make a fine sunset. -Geoffrey Madan, writer (1895-1947)



I wrote this earlier today, but it still seems like there's something that's missing, or something more that needs to be said. Here's this, anyway:

Rolling up the sleeves and tying back the hair for this one...it might be awhile.

Is it strange that I want to take pictures at a funeral?

Odd things keep entering my brain, and I can't help but think that that's one of them. As I sat watching the VFW representatives give the rifle salute to my great uncle, I couldn't help but want to capture it on film. To be able to look back and see their faces, see the flag folded and handed to my cousin.

I never got to know my great uncle, as many family get-togethers as we had at my grandma's house. He was there for the Easters, the Christmases, and for some reason, as I so often do around family, especially that side, I just never talked to him. A "Hi, how are you?" passed between us, but that was about the extent of it. And in the days leading up to his funeral and from the pastor's speech, I learned more about him than I had ever known. He logged twelve million miles as a truck driver and was a prisoner of war. From what I do remember of him, he always seemed to be in a good mood, and if there were anyone I would get along with, it should have been obvious to me that it would be him. But I missed an incredible person, once again.

So many things went through my head during the ceremony, mainly of guilt, as I was walking with the family, and I didn't even know him. And many, many thoughts about religion passed through my head as the pastor was preaching, but most of them have since left me.

For the life of me, I did not want to go up to the casket to see him laying there. That never bothered me with either of my grandfathers, but now moreso than ever, I just can't stand seeing someone. I can't handle an open casket. Not that I was attached to him in any way, shape, or form, or that it makes me sick or nervous or anything like that, I just don't want to see it. I don't want to see how plastic the skin looks, how fake everything seems. This may seem slightly crazy, and it probably is, but for my funeral, I want lots of pictures around. Because that's really the only way to truly remember things about a person, about all that you've been through. That, and of course, Counting Crows music. Seriously. If someone's going to remember me, it best be through my music. And I want people to celebrate. Sure, that sounds crazy, but I just want them to remember the better parts of me. And there should be a lot of chocolate to eat, as it's my favorite. Alright, now that I have the end of my life planned out, maybe it's time to deal with the time before that happens....

Anywho.

Having a part of your future figured out is nice, but where do you go from there? It seems there's always something else to take its place. It's not just enough to have your college picked out, because after that, you've got to decide what you want to major in, and after that, you've got to worry about how much money you're going to make and how you're going to survive in live. It's a crazy thing. I guess I'll just go with what I've got now and hope for the best.

This break has been such an odd one. I didn't have time to get Christmas presents bought, although it did get done, eventually. I don't feel rested, even though I've been sleeping more than not. I worked, and now I'm worried about telling my boss that she got the schedule wrong and that I need another day off. And as I was sitting coloring my new messenger bag, I realized just how much I concern myself with things that won't matter in a few days once they're done. Once I make the phone call and deal with her, it will be on to the next thing. It's just so tiring.

I'm just so tired.

Things just seem out of place, even though there's nothing out of place that I can put my finger on. I'm worried about classes for next term, an English project that's not getting finished, not being excited or having energy for the groups I'm participating in anymore. Just a lot of stuff.

I wonder again and again about the decisions I make. What am I really doing? Even in a day where nothing happens, I feel like there's so much I could be doing. Yes, I'm sitting at home reading for this project, but I could be out running around town, even though there's nothing I need. I don't know if it's just that I'm not content or what.

There's something I'm looking for, and I still haven't found it. I'm not constantly aware that I'm actually looking for anything, but at the heart of it, I'm quite sure that's what it is. Then again, once things get comfortable, it just seems like something's wrong. I'm doing something wrong.

In any case.

I heard a song [Collide] on the radio that made me cry. It makes me cry every single time I hear it. And it reminds me of better times, of times when the world was in the palm of my hand. When some of it was getting figured out. Or maybe just being realized. Mainly, just of someone that I have loved and always will love. And there's nothing more special than that. To have someone that understands you. That's just incredible.

Energy is at a minimum for me, and maybe that's where the problem is. Perhaps it's because I'm sick. And I can't think of a worse time to be sick than on break when you're supposed to be enjoying yourself, but I guess that's just how it happens. Just gotta deal.

I don't know what to expect out of this new year. More than ever, it really means nothing to me. It used to be exciting, a new start. I've since figured out that things don't change that easily just because of the date. They stay the same. And for the next 5 months, there's really no escaping it, so I might as well put my nose to the grindstone and deal with it. Terrible, but true.

I miss people who I know are my soul mates. The whole, "Yeah, we'll hang out sometime," and then we never do. I miss people that I enjoy, and that makes me sad. But time is so limited, and there's so much to be done.

I'm just so uneasy lately. Uneasy with the path that's ahead of me, the things I have to do, the choices I have to make. Maybe that's what's making me tired, and maybe that's the problem.

I'm just getting old.


This year has just been so frustrating, in so many ways. Of course, there have been incredible moments, but more often than not, it's just been drudging along. I know the best thing to do is just to get away from it all, although that seems to be what I attempted to do these past few weeks of break, and no real conclusions came from it, nothing got better, really. Things are just so strange, and I'm tired. I don't want to go back to school for another five months. I don't want to have to work with a boss that I have to tiptoe around constantly, I don't want to have to try and keep things from my best friend because she would just get mad at me for it. I don't want to be forced to do assignments, and I don't want people in my classes that I don't want to deal with. I don't want to have to do homework, or even put off having to do homework. I don't want to know that music journalists (or any journalists, really) don't make a lot of money. I don't want to go to college and find that what I want to do is completely different from what I should be doing. I don't want to keep making the wrong decisions.

There's more to be said, but I'm just too tired tonight...

In A Little While

Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone's soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd. -Jalaluddin Rumi, poet and mystic
(1207-1273)

Persons appear to us according to the light we throw upon them from our own minds. -Laura Ingalls Wilder, author (1867-1957)

The real measure of our wealth is how much we'd be worth if we lost all our money. -John Henry Jowett, preacher (1864-1923)

Do not be too quick to assume your enemy is a savage just because he is your enemy. Perhaps he is your enemy because he thinks you are a savage. Or perhaps he is afraid of you because he feels that you are afraid of him. And perhaps if he believed you are capable of loving him he would no longer be your enemy. -Thomas Merton, writer (1915-1968)

If the doors of perception were cleansed everything would appear to man as it is, infinite. -William Blake, poet, engraver, and painter (1757-1827)

The most futile thing in this world is any attempt, perhaps, at exact definition of character. All individuals are a bundle of contradictions -- none more so than the most capable. -Theodore Dreiser, author (1871-1945)

A great secret of success is to go through life as a man who never gets used up. -Albert Schweitzer, philosopher, physician, musician, Nobelist
(1875-1965)

The trouble with words is that you never know whose mouths they've been in. -Dennis Potter, dramatist (1935-1994)

Every man's memory is his private literature. -Aldous Huxley, novelist
(1894-1963)

Genius is eternal patience. -Michelangelo Buonarroti, sculptor, painter, architect, and poet (1475-1564)

Love involves a peculiar, unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding. -Diane Arbus, photographer (1923-1971)



I'm the biggest hypocrite I know. Again and again, it's peace that I want, peace that I seem to think I have, but then things happen and I realize that it's all but true.

I try not to get worked up about things, but when someone who has completely broken your heart leaves a voicemail months and months later to apologize, how do you handle that? And differently, how do you handle giving your heart to someone who can't appreciate it, or can't show appreciation for it?

I'm one of those people you leave and then remember on down the road. And, of course, I'll always be there, so what is it to me if you're not there for me? I'll always be there for you.

I want to live freely, but ironically enough, freely with someone. I want someone to be able to come along for the ride that is my life, someone to bounce ideas off of, someone to be ridiculously crazy one second, and completely serious the next. I want someone who will agree with some of my ideas but still have enough spice to keep things interesting. I want someone who can match me and then some. I want someone who can one-up me in a charming way. I want someone who will, most importantly appreciate me for who I am.

It's too soon to be looking, sure. And I have friends that I absolutely adore. But it would be so nice to just have someone special. To know that there's someone that cares about me as much as I care about them, and I won't have to worry about a heart breaking once again.

I'm scared, and I'm brave. I'm intelligent, and I'm idiotic. I'm prepared, and I'm never ready. I'm tired of thinking that things are what they aren't. I'm tired of being unpleasantly surprised.

I want someone who will go to concerts with me, even if it's bands they don't like. I want someone who will write me poetry, who will speak poetry to me, even if it's ridiculous. I want someone that I can joke with, yet be the most serious person I know.

It is possible, and I've seen it, if only once or twice. And it fills and breaks my heart all at once to know that there are people out there that can trust each other with their hearts completely, but I simply can't do it with mine. Although I try and try and foolishly try again.

Here I am fighting for something I don't even have and may never find. Foolish? Sure.

That's all I know for tonight.

Hold On

If I can stop one Heart from breaking / I shall not live in vain / If I can
ease one Life the Aching / Or cool one Pain / Or help one fainting Robin /
Unto his Nest again / I shall not live in Vain. -Emily Dickinson
(1830-1886)

Those who are incapable of committing great crimes do not readily suspect
them in others. -Francois De La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)

A woman's head is always influenced by heart; but a man's heart by his
head. -Lady Marguerite Blessington (1789-1849)

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ
from that of their social environment. -Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

The vast majority of human beings dislike and even dread all notions with
which they are not familiar. Hence it comes about that at their first
appearance innovators have always been derided as fools and madmen. -Aldous
Huxley, novelist (1894-1963)

Kindness is loving people more than they deserve. -Joseph Joubert, moralist
and essayist (1754-1824)

Say not, 'I have found the truth,' but rather, 'I have found a truth.'
-Kahlil Gibran, mystic, poet, and artist (1883-1931)

You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops
of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty. -Mohandas K.
Gandhi (1869-1948)

They know enough who know how to learn. -Henry Adams (1838-1918)

Contentment is a pearl of great price, and whoever procures it at the
expense of ten thousand desires makes a wise and a happy purchase. -John
Balguy

No man is clever enough to know all the evil he does. -La Rochefoucauld
(1613-1680)

The world owes all its onward impulses to men ill at ease. The happy man
inevitably confines himself within ancient limits. -Nathaniel Hawthorne,
novelist and short-story writer (1804-1864)

Victory breeds enmity; the defeated live in pain. The peaceful live
happily, avoiding both victory and defeat. -Buddha (c. 563-483 BCE)

To see ourselves as others see us is a most salutary gift. Hardly less
important is the capacity to see others as they see themselves. -Aldous
Huxley, novelist (1894-1963)

It is probably no mere historical accident that the word person, in its
first meaning, is a mask. It is rather a recognition of the fact that
everyone is always and everywhere, more or less consciously, playing a role.
-Robert Ezra Park, sociologist (1864-1944)

No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're
looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs,
we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.
-P.J. O'Rourke, writer (1947- )

The butterfly flitting from flower to flower ever remains mine, I lose the
one that is netted by me. -Rabindranath Tagore


And all I want is to hold on. Because that is all I know how to do.

I've given up so much, let so many things slip through my memory grain by grain. I can't let it happen anymore, although I know it will. There are so many things I think over and over and over, "I can't forget this. I won't forget this moment." And I do. My memory will meander over lost treasures, and I want to hold on to them again, I want to keep them forever with me, but in an instant, they have vanished again.

I have the opportunity to revist moments, to know again everything they meant to me. To relive my past in the present. And I want to grasp it so tightly, yet I know it will be gone again.

And it is the strangest thing to be sitting in a place knowing you'll be gone in such a short amount of time. So much so that you think about the leaving more than you think about the time spent there, enjoying the moment.

And it's not that I don't enjoy the moment, because the moment is beautiful, and the moment is something that I want with me every day, but I simply can't have it. And I know that my memory will fail me, so immediate worry sets in about forgetting.

I can hold a picture, remembering the moment but never really HAVING it.

There are so many things in life I've put up with just to have it be finished and over with. But there are very few things which I truly treasure. And those things are the suffocation of a memory, and perhaps the reason why they leave me as they do.

"Hold On." Hold on to something that means everything to you because it's the only way you'll every really have it. But is that what "Hold On" really means? It could be the waiting, the stop, slow down, and see what happens. But that has never been and never will be me. It is the moment now and the moment past. That is all I have, and that is all I live for.

There's a complex about the future that I have, and I'm not quite sure why, although there are many possible reasons. I'm afraid, in the end. Afraid of what I will or won't have, what I will or won't know, what kind of money I will or won't make, what kind of life I will or won't have.

But in the end, it IS a day by day thing. There's just no union of the two visions, no way to make them come together. You can't have the big picture without the details, and you can't have details without having a big picture. But you just can't concentrate on both at the same time. And who is to say which should take precedence?

As usual, things are piling up for me to do, and I always find something else to occupy my time. There has been no time to sit down and think, to sort through it all. To make sense of anything in the slightest. But maybe that's life, and maybe I'm not doing the things I need to do or making the decisions I need to make. Mea culpa.

I want to sit there forever, want to feel the same way. Want to feel as if the world is simply in the palm of my hand, and all it's problems can be solved with a single thought. Want to have the moments that are so special to me. But again, I simply can't.

And it's a strange thing when you realize what a huge impact certain things have on you. Sitting there, singing word for word, having a revelation of how much this means to me. And I never thought it would. Something simple, you disregard. But the moments add up so quickly...moments to weeks, weeks to months, months to years...and suddenly, you realize it's everything you have and everything you are. And it seems so trivial from the outside looking in, but you're on the inside looking out, and you know there's something different. Something that has such a total part of your life...and you wouldn't want it any other way.


I was drawn...
Riding atop a black horse.
Whatever prize there was,...
I could only observe...
Where the trouble starts.
Where does it end?
How can I be cured,...
How, before it ends?

I know... life would be different if I... held on. Held on.
I know... I could be something if I... held on.

Gave her life away,...
Put it in my pocket when it shoulda been framed.
Oh, I lost its shine.
Gotta get this outta my head,...
Out of my bed!
How could it end,...
End like this?
How could it end?

I know... life would be different had I... held on. Held on.
I know... I could be something had I... held on. Held on.
I know... I could be something if I... held on! Held on.
I know... life would be different if I... held on! Held on!

Held on. Held on. If I...
Held on. Held on. If I...
Held on. Held on. If I...
Held on. Held on.

Goodbye Girl

It's a funny thing when you realize that your life is just...going.
I don't know what to think or do anymore. I had just settled into something, a lifestyle, I suppose, more a way of thinking, I guess. And then I realize that's nowhere near the person I am. It's so typical to just forget about things because it's easier to push them to the back of your head, to let the day to day take over. But then you realize that that's not what your life is. That's not your dreams, your hope, your future. It's a funny thing knowing that there's someone that knows you and knows you well. They have a part of you that no one else has, and they are the one that has given you life, hope. They have given you the things that make up your life. And then they're gone. But not. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about them. The ideas, though, fade. And then they return. And I remember feeling that there was absolutely nothing that I couldn't do. Maybe that's what I'll remember more than anything - the belief that I could do absolutely anything, that I was, at one point in my life, something special, something different. And no one has seen it since. I know there was a reason behind it all. I know it. To have someone believe in you is the most changing experience - to tell you that Princeton is possible, that they have been where you are, and that you can do anything. That is something special. To have them share a part of their life with you. I don't know what's going to happen to me. I'm living day to day, and I just don't know how to sync the two. I don't know how to believe in myself without you. I miss you. Your sarcasm, your ability to make me think, laugh, wonder, lead. The assignments, the thinking. It's funny how things change so quickly, yet they stay the same. I will do what I can to make you proud. I will do what I can for myself, but mostly because you believed in me.

All your life you've waited
for love to come and stay,
and now that I have found you,
you must not slip away.
I know it's hard believin'
the words you've heard before,
but darlin' you must trust them just once more.
'Cause m' baby goodbye
doesn't mean forever,
let me tell you goodbye,
doesn't mean We'll never be together again,
If you wake up and i'm not there,
I won't be long away
'cause the things you do
my goodbye girl
will bring me back to you.
I know you've been taken,
afraid to hurt again.
You fight the love you feel for me,
instead of givin' in.
But i can wait forever
while helpin' you to see
that i was meant for you and you for me.
So remember goodbye
doesn't mean forever.
Let me tell you goodbye
doesn't mean we'll never be together again.
Though we may be so far apart
you still would have my heart.
So forget your past,
my goodbye girl
'cause now you're home at last.

Little Wonders

God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented
cages. -Jacques Deval, writer and director (1895-1972)

Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life:
the longing for love, the search for knowledge, and unbearable pity for the
suffering of mankind. -Bertrand Russell, philosopher, mathematician, and
author (1872-1970)

As long as a man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson, American writer and philosopher (1803-1882)

Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't
want, to impress people they don't like. -Will Rogers, humorist (1879-1935)

We are never more discontented with others than when we are discontented
with ourselves. -Henri Frederic Amiel, philosopher and writer (1821-1881)

I have made a ceaseless effort not to ridicule, not to bewail, not to scorn
human actions, but to understand. -Baruch Spinoza, philosopher (1632-1677)

The butterfly counts not years but moments and has time enough.
-Rabindranath Tagore, poet, philosopher, author, songwriter, painter,
educator, composer, Nobel laureate (1861-1941)

We are healed of a suffering only by expressing it to the full. -Marcel
Proust, novelist (1871-1922)

There is wisdom in turning as often as possible from the familiar to the
unfamiliar: it keeps the mind nimble, it kills prejudice, and it fosters
humor. -George Santayana, philosopher (1863-1952)

If the stars should appear one night in a thousand years, how would men
believe and adore. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)

For what are stars but asterisks. To point a human life? -Emily Dickinson,
poet (1830-1886)

Too often I would hear men boast of the miles covered that day, rarely of
what they had seen. -Louis L'Amour, novelist (1908-1988)


There is nothing quite like this, of that I am assured. With every passing day, I assume that things will return to normal, but that is not the case. And if they ever do somehow align themselves as they used to, I know that there will be a crack, a break where something belongs. And that something will never fill it again. It makes little sense when all reason is laid out before the situation, but somehow, it is still tearing me apart. Is it me? And I just don't know how it couldn't have been enough. I can't look forward, I can't look backward. I can only see now and realize just how much it hurts me. And it seems a physical pain would almost be easier. I can't train my mind to race in different directions when the path is well-worn. I can't stop running when the race isn't finished. It's not supposed to be over yet. It's not supposed to stop mid-way. And although I am a master at "What if?" this is a "what if?" that I will never be able to put to rest, never be able to come to peace with because a huge part of me is gone. I want to be whole again. And I don't know if I regret anything, I haven't gotten far enough away to look back and be thankful for it, and I don't know if I ever could knowing that there may have been more to the story. I feel things so deeply, so passionately, and so truly that it is all I know. I can't imagine not being able to feel, but I can't live with this forever. With anything. There is something deep within me that grasps for a place to belong, and a place where I can truly be happy. I look for it in others and find a glimpse, only to be holding on to nothing more than a memory. I can only truly be happy in the presence of someone else, and in this, am I losing myself? Have I lost myself? I can only be who I really am around and in the company of others, and it all seems a little more than I can handle. I want to give in, I want to stay strong. I want to be happy, I want experience pain to the fullest and can only do this by letting it consume me. Not a physical pain, but a much more felt pain, and one that at this point I can only give into. I can't imagine not feeling emotion, not feeling anything. And while it may seem that those who can't feel have it better off, is life really lived? Tears are what makes me all the more human, and while I can't see a light in the future, I am human and I am human to the fullest extent possible. To feel, for me, is the only way, and for those who don't feel, I don't see how they can live. It must be a mundane existence, though not littered with pain, so in the end, somewhat easier. But is that life? And no matter how many thoughts encapsulate themselves in my brain, there are just those things that will never leave, in my heart and in my head. There are so many things that I don't understand and want to. I want to understand to ease the pain. All along, I believed, only to be mislead, and in the end, it is my punishment for believing. Should I never believe again? I want to, but I just don't know if I can. And I know that things will always remain with me, while they hurt now, it is only my hope that I will be able to treasure them for what they were - perfect moments in time, moments that I loved and moments that my life was made up of. Moments that I wish I could hold onto forever...moments that were beautiful and moments I believed in. Moments that were perfect in every single way and will forever remain that way.


let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don't you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don't mind
if it's me you need to turn to
we?ll get by,
it's the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain