Telling It

First things first:

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do
only a little. -Edmund Burke, statesman and writer (1729-1797)

Be good and you will be lonesome. -Mark Twain, author and humorist
(1835-1910)

If only I could so live and so serve the world that after me there should
never again be birds in cages. -Isak Dinesen (pen name of Karen Blixen),
author (1885-1962)

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we
created them. -Albert Einstein, physicist, Nobel laureate (1879-1955)

Words are the soul's ambassadors, who go / Abroad upon her errands to and
fro. -James Howell, writer (c. 1594-1666)


A Word A Day just makes me happy every morning, although, I usually pay more attention to the quotes than remember the words, but I really love it all.
So I've been on this poetry kick lately. For my birthday, I requested and recieved A Treasury of American Poetry, and I've just started to read it. I just randomly open up to a page and read. I figure that's the best way to do it, that way I just get a large variety. Don't always find what you're looking for that way, but you do come across some interesting stuff. Most of it, I don't understand. Takes time, I guess. I would love to write poetry, but in all honesty, I think I'm afraid to. Not necessarily of what I have to say, just how it will sound. I just haven't acquired the complete flow of speech yet. And reading the best poems probably doesn't make me sound any better. Reading it is better than nothing, though, and maybe I'll be able to compile everything and write something really good one day.
"I love that word 'relationship'. Covers all manner of sins, doesn't it?" Word to Hugh Grant on that one. Actually, I just thought it'd be a good intro, even though it really doesn't describe what's going on, but that's okay. So, yes, it's been a year since I've "officially" gone out with anyone. There were two or three in-between but amounted to absolutely nothing, and really aren't even worth mentioning. So there's days when I think that a boyfriend would be really nice. And other days, I think, "What was I thinking?" Right when I'm on the verge of a relationship, or even thinking seriously about one, I always think, "Oh crap. What have I gotten myself into?" And that's not the best or most comforting thought to think. I hate the phone call everyday thing, and obviously, suffocating relationships. That's why the relationship that ended a year ago didn't last. Can't deal with that. And honestly, I'm picky as hell. Nothing ever suits me. And when I think there's a possibility, the guy wants to be friends with me. I swear. And somehow I have this innate ability to attract guys that are my friends. Not a good thing. At all. I really don't know what it is. There's pressure for some people, I'm sure, to be in a relationship because everyone else is. I honestly would just like someone who cares about me. But, in the end, what are the odds that it would actually end up in marriage? So why waste time now and just end up hurting each other? So, all logical reasons point to "no, you don't need a boyfriend...wait until a later date". And yet, surprisingly, there's still an illogical part of me that refuses to acknowledge logic...and here I am.
I guess what puts everything into perspective is knowing that I can love people in a way that isn't a teenage-hormonal boyfriend-girlfriend love, but really a deep, thankful, unexplainable kind of love. That people are that important to you that it actually makes it something more than love, or maybe that really is love in its purest form.
Wrestling meet showcased some drama, but it's a great feeling just being at peace with everything and not being a part of it. I actually had the thought that I might miss high school once I graduate, and that thought is a very rare one. So I'll enjoy it while I'm here.
Logged on Countingcrows.com tonight and read on the messageboard what songs by the Counting Crows that people would put on the soundtrack to their life. I'd like to give it a spin (trying to go in order):
A Long December - my all-time favorite song ever. The chords at the beginning...leave me speechless. Knew that it would be my favorite song the first time I heard it, but once I really listened to it, it was almost scary. Like Adam had written it for me. It's my life...past and present. I lived that song, and it is everything.
Round Here - Long and complicated story, but definitely a song of my life.
Amy Hit the Atmosphere - Well, it's got my name in it! ;) Seriously, another song that you just have this connection with.
Holiday in Spain - This lyric gets me every time "I may take a holiday in Spain/Leave my wings behind me/Flush my worries down the drain/Fly away to somewhere new"
Anna Begins - Such a real song. How Adam does it, I'll never know. This line always makes me hope someone will think the same thing about me "Every time she sneezes/I believe it's love" ("Oh Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing"...how more real can you get?)
Have You Seen Me Lately (VH1 Storytellers) - They completely changed the song for the performance and put a whole different message in it. Always finding myself thinking how true the lyrics are...
Mr. Jones - Because you just gotta have a feel-good song every once in awhile!
Barely Out of Tuesday - Once again, Adam is a genius. How he puts my feelings into words, I'll never know.
August and Everything After - He says so much in this song, it's unbelieveable. You can take every single line, piece by piece, and each is its own poem and truth.
Mrs. Potter's Lullaby - So many descriptions in this song. It's life. "If dreams are like movies/then memories are films about ghosts/you can never escape/you can only move south down the coast"
Chelsea - So sad and true, yet he manages to add that hopefulness
Goodnight Elizabeth - "I hope that everybody can find a little flame/me, I just light myself on fire/and walk out on a wire once again"
Omaha - What to say about Omaha? It's always been one of my favorites..."It's the heart that matters more"...and all the visuals in the song
Colorblind - Such a peaceful song...describes love to the fullest
Goodnight L.A. - "What brings me down now/is love/cause I can never get enough/of love" I really can't say it any better than Mr. Duritz...he is astonishing.


Well, I'm getting quite tired, and even though there is more to be said, I think I'll put it on hold for now. Who knows? It may turn into an even more interesting, fully-developed idea. Poetry now, poetry later.


To speak out clean.
Let the words be
not wonderful but the plainest
nouns, the skinniest verbs
that are themselves
the poem, not merely holding
it together.
The shape of poetry:
the shape of the words, the words their own shapes,
the shape of many words together.
All right.
Poetry is the soup,
not the can or kettle
wrapped around it.
Telling it, telling it clean
is the meat.
Today the words are right.
They are right here.
I find what I mean
to tell myself the truth.

--Nancy Sullivan