When I was younger, I strongly believed that I was the same person I always had been. I had grown up, but I hadn't really changed. I felt connected to my younger self and that I had continued along the path that my younger self had always thought I would. I guess it made that thought pattern easy to believe.
Now, I'm not so sure. I can't say that I haven't remained true to myself and ideals and beliefs. That, I have done. But the amount of time that has passed between now and then makes me feel so much...older.
Birthday 25 is coming up soon, and it's been really, really hard for me to wrap my mind around. No one has really sympathized or understood where I'm coming from. Then again, my whole life has been a series of minor crises, so I'm probably just crying wolf again. But somehow, this one feels different.
Twenty-five seems so old to me. I realize it's not THAT old, but it feels like it. For some reason, I've always had the idea that I would have my life together by 25. By 25, I should have changed the damn world and become a millionaire. I should have invented something that makes everyone's life better.
But I haven't.
I spent the last two weeks acting and believing the damn world was near an end because I was getting my window cubicle taken away. It sure felt like the world was ending, anyway. After a wonderful but tiring beach vacation and then a 4-day summertime sickness, I was in a bad way. Everything was going wrong, and it really just dragged me down.
Then, I learned about Robin Williams, which broke my heart.
Then, I heard what was going on in Ferguson, and it's hard not to be just downright in despair at the state of the world.
I've spent the last 15 minutes or so re-reading posts from my Xanga circa 2007. Back then, social media was still somewhat new, but the rules were already set - make your life look awesome. Every. Single. Day.
Maybe my life was awesome, but reading those posts makes me roll my eyes at best and throw up a little in my mouth at the worst. Of course, there were a ton of fun moments in my life, but I just sounded downright braggy. Gross.
The world has been changing me more than I have been changing the world.
This shit's got to change.
