A low low (maybe a few of them), a high high, and everything in between.
I'm one of those people that still balances their checkbook, even though I access my account online every single day anyway. That's where our story begins.
With the hubs in between jobs at the beginning of this past summer, we had to take out a grand in order to cover rent, student loans, utilities, groceries, and the like. And it wasn't that we had that much savings in the first place, anyway. He found another job, thankfully, and we seemed to be doing okay for a couple months. Then, last month, we had to take another $500 out of savings and transfer it to our checking account in order to cover all our monthly expenses.
It was at this point that the worry set in.
Then, in the following month, when our checking account dipped down below $500, I knew we weren't breaking even, and I started to panic. It was like drowning in the middle of my living room. I felt like we were sinking, and sinking fast. I felt like I was fighting the water with lead feet. I felt so stuck in our (mostly "my") current situation, and it seemed like there was just no solution.
What would happen? How much more would we continue to have to transfer out of savings? How long would that last? When would it run out? What would happen when it did run out?
All of these questions kept revolving around my head, and I cried.
I cried long and hard and a lot.
The next day, I applied for four jobs.
Sure, I could try to get a part-time job to try and accompany my current job's salary, or I could ask Sean to get a part-time job to accompany his salary, but I wasn't going to do that. Asking anyone to work more than 40 hours a week when they have all the skills, ability and education to make more money just didn't make any sense to me.
So, it was my turn to step up to the plate.
Within one week from the night I applied, I was offered a new job paying several thousand dollars more a year. A lot of people said it seemed like fate. I can't really disagree with that.
I had started to mentally check out of my current job even before applying for new jobs because it had just been such an extremely difficult year for me. Last year, I was able to work with someone who quickly became one of my best friends. I loved coming to work partly because of the work that I was doing, and partly because I just loved cutting up with my friend and chatting. She was able to keep me grounded, share the work and keep me laughing. But at the start of this school year, she was able to get her own business off the ground and didn't return. I haven't laughed near as much this year.
When it comes to work, I tend to get tunnel vision. I will work myself to the bone. I will do what needs to get done to the best of my ability. This gets exhausting fast, especially when I am working with small children every day. I want to will them to understand how to read. I try so many different ways to explain things to them, to make it interesting, to make it fun. Most of the time, I'm just spending 75% of the time trying to redirect them and get them to pay attention. If you haven't worked with groups of small children, you don't realize how incredibly exhausting this can be.
Prior to applying for new jobs, my mental state had started to change focus. The work wasn't nearly as fun for me. I felt like I was continually spinning my wheels and that I wasn't being effective. I was being so, so hard on myself about my job performance. And I was getting asked to do a lot of things. Being the people-pleaser that I am, I just couldn't say no. I want to make people happy, I want to do my job well, I want to make other people's lives better. But what I was losing was my own life. I wasn't taking time for myself. I rarely, if ever felt relaxed while at work. I was constantly worrying about money and how we would ever save enough to start a family, let alone buy a new car when one or both of our current ones just finally bites the dust. It's a scary situation to be in.
I talked to Sean a lot about it. And what I kept hearing myself say was that this is the first time in perhaps my whole life that I have made such a big decision for myself. I am constantly thinking of other people - what I can do for them - or, like in school, how many assignments I need to get done, how many tests I need to study for, what hours I need to work. None of that was truly taking care of myself or intentionally looking out for my best interests.
I feel like this decision I have made for myself, for my health, for financial stability, and for the betterment of my current and future family.
I've doubted myself and worried that I'm just being greedy and making the move strictly for financial reasons.
But I can't think that way. Because this is such a good opportunity, and in the end, it will be better for me and my family in so many ways.
I was so worried about telling my current co-workers about my resignation, but they were all so sweet and understanding about it. I don't like that I had to do it in the middle of the school year, but they were all so supportive and kind. So, Friday, after I told everyone and was all in-the-zone thinking about my new job, I was on a high high. I had a great weekend. Then Sunday, I realized I had to go back to my current job to finish out my final two weeks.
It hasn't been easy. I'm still facing a lot of the same challenges I was before I applied for the new jobs, and just knowing that the new job is on the horizon almost seems to make it that much harder. I've been very emotional lately and very sensitive. In some instances, I blow things out of proportion in my own mind when they should just be left alone. I just need to take a big breath and push through.
I hate to be negative about my job, because there have been so, so many wonderful things about it. I have worked for an amazing principal, made some great teacher friends, and navigated the waters of having a job in a professional environment. I have gotten to know so many kids and truly love them all. It will be so strange to no longer be a part of their lives. I know I will miss them.
However, thinking about what my new job entails, what the benefits of it will be, and how much I think it will genuinely improve my life and my stress level, I can't help but be anything but excited.
