España

I knew one day, I would treasure the fact that I kept blog posts every single day while I was in Spain. And that day has already come.

While messing around with the new timeline layout on Facebook, I started looking through old pictures that had been hidden for years. And, of course, I ended up gravitating toward pictures of Spain when it came time to choose the banner picture, or whatever you call it.

I still can't sum up the experience in words, but I'm just so thankful that it happened. It really was one of the best times of my life, and I can't wait to return. I'm just worried I won't be able to. But someday, surely.

After attending Sean's graduations this weekend, I got a sneak-peak into what an emotional wreck I will be at my graduation(s). The chancellor and speakers kept talking about all the traditions at Mizzou, all the different things that we've done and experienced on campus, and I couldn't help but already start to feel a big whole in my heart that's going to be left when I leave campus.

In all honesty, I didn't even want to go to Mizzou. It was too close to home, and I'd already more than experienced campus life when I stayed in dorms for volleyball camps. At least that's what I thought.

No, I haven't been a partier, but I've experienced some pretty awesome things at Mizzou. Countless football, volleyball, soccer, and basketball games, late nights spent studying, hundreds of Subway sandwiches from Mizzou Market, Homecoming parades, four Spanish classes with my favorite professor, all-nighters with Kristen and Sean, starting a career, Shakespeare's pizza at least once a week, the Magic Tree, the helmet car, decorating my dorm room, surviving campus on crutches, swimming in the grotto, my favorite summer job at Ellis Library and on and on.

It's been an incredible four years, and I'm really going to miss it.

But for now, I've got to kick my ass into high gear because I've got two online classes and 13 hours of on-campus classes that need to be completed.

I wonder why job search skills 101 isn't a class that's offered in college? Seems like it would be one of the most useful...

Painted nails

If you're curious as to the state of my life, take a look at my fingernails.

I'm not sure when I stumbled upon the most brilliant shade of pink (Hot Magenta) by Sally Hansen, but ever since, I've consistently been painting my nails.

The problem is the upkeep.

If things are relaxed and going well, my nails will look clean and neat in a solid color of my choosing (or topped with black shatter, for that matter).

But if my life is a shit show, as it usually is, they'll be chipped and the color will be ragged across my nails. I hate it, and it bothers me to no end, but I just can't find the time to fix them.

So, for now, I'd give them an 8.5 out of 10. They look quite nice. But the storm is coming.

By the middle of next week, my nails will surely be reflecting the state of my mind...worn out from finals and ready for some rejuvenation.

Learning to Love Again

It's been a long time since I've heard a song that I've truly felt. Something that just reaches down deep and pulls at my insides. Something that tells me I can't push the "skip" button or turn off my iPod or the radio before the song is over. Something that tells me I should listen to the song on repeat for days on end.

"Learning to Love Again" has been that song.

Leave it to Mat Kearney to write something so beautiful. I still have his first album "Nothing Left to Lose" dubbed on a cassette so I can listen to it on my all-but-advanced tape deck in my purple car. On trips between college and home or home and college, I'll push it in, hear the clicks and whirrs until it starts playing and sing along to every single word. It's almost second nature now, like blinking or breathing. I don't really think about what song is next, I just know. I just feel it.

I've probably said it before, but it's been awhile since I've heard new music that really moves me. Something I can really dig into and get invested in. Something that takes me awhile to ruminate over and really get me thinking.

I haven't done much of that lately.

At least really thinking. The funny thing about college is that you're supposed to be learning...expanding your knowledge base...broadening your horizons. Mostly, it's been a lot of busy work. That's not to say that I haven't enjoyed it. That's not to say that I haven't had some amazing classes where I DID have to think. But, overall, it was just a lot of work. And now I have a lot of notebooks full of chicken scratch and a few tests to show for it.

Maybe it was just because I didn't really know how to approach college. I did the work, I got the grades. I should have put a little bit more effort into connecting the dots. What does it all mean? Why is it significant? How is it relevant to my life? I'm getting better at it, I think. Though satire in Spain's Golden Age is still pretty lost on me. (If there are any experts out there, please feel free to share your wisdom with me!)

I've been trying to deal with some drama these past few days that I haven't had to deal with in a long, long, long time. I can tell you why I specifically chose to distance myself from certain groups of people and why, for the most part, my life doesn't contain near the amount of college drama that most kids' my age do. But sometimes, I suppose, it can't be avoided. I just don't understand how people in their twenties can't just act in a civilized, respectable manner. I can honestly say that I haven't been treated the way I was since about third grade, or middle school at the very latest. I was shocked and appalled and didn't really know how to respond.

The point of the matter is this, and it's something that I've been thinking on for a good, long while: I'm proud of who I am and the choices I've made. I try to avoid doing harm to others and, in fact, want to help people. I'm proud of the music I like, the people I associate with, the path I've chosen in my life. I don't waste away my nights drinking myself into oblivion. I read a book and cuddle with my kitten and my fiance. I'm obsessed with HGTV. I want to return to Spain as soon as possible. I love my family. I work my ass off day in and day out. All these things make up the fiber of my being, and when I'm put-down and disrespected, it really hurts me.

Then, I think, if I'm happy with myself and proud of my accomplishments, why should I care at all? And the truth is, I shouldn't. And I'm working on it. I'm working on letting it slide right out of my consciousness like rain droplets on an umbrella.

In the end, my message is just one of love, and that's what it has been all along.

Back On My Feet Again

Nothing like coming back from a three-month hiatus with a song from The Babys. Give it a listen. If you're anything like me, you'll be dancing around the room in no time.

I'm celebrating the little break I get before school starts (yes, I'm cringing like everyone else out there) by buying Mat Kearney's new album, Young Love, with a coupon for $5.99, eating El Jimmy's because there's no better Mexican food to be found in the tri-state area, and mall walking because, let's face it, I'm really an 80 year-old woman trapped inside a twenty-something's body.

I actually really enjoy mall walking because I like people watching. And what better place to do it? That, and there's always a lot of stuff to look at, so I'm usually thoroughly entertained.

We're still on our quest to watch all 250 movies on IMDB's Top 250 list. So far, we've only watched 13, so we've got our work cut out for us, but last night was The Philadelphia Story. And I've got to say that of the movies we've watched so far, the ones from the 1940s have been my favorite, by far. Like Sean, I absolutely adore James Stewart. And it was the first movie I'd seen starring Katharine Hepburn, who is just stunning. I suppose there's just something about the glamour of movies from that time. Every new outfit she wore, I was sitting there thinking that I wished I could pull off something like that. And the men were always looking sharp in pin-stripe suits and fedoras.

I just think it's funny that so much money is spent creating and producing movies these days, and they're really hit-or-miss (for me, at least). Just give me some awesome actors, a simple set and some fantastic dialogue, and I'll be sure to enjoy the heck out of it.

Though, I'm pretty sure I would have probably picked James Stewart at the end ;)

Image from blogs.indiewire.com

I'm trying to avoid thinking about the fact that this is my last real "summer" before I graduate from college. And it wasn't really a summer, to speak of, with interning and working and having Sean off gallivanting in Peru. Sure, I enjoyed my best friend coming in from Boston and spending a week with me, but I didn't get to go anywhere or do anything big and fancy. Sean and I were attempting to plan a last-minute camping trip in Colorado, but being the poor college kids that we are, it looks like that's a no--go.

There was a floating/camping trip in that "summer" somewhere, too, but those are memories I don't exactly enjoy revisiting (re: excessive heat, lots o' bugs, mud, drunkards, and nasty showers).

I'm just quite unsure about what to do after I graduate. I've now been thinking about library school much more seriously to get my degree in library science, but I'm just not sure if that will be my final decision. It's more money, more time in school, potentially more loans that I don't want to have to pay off in the future. But I might get a better job out of the degree, so it's all just one big, endless loop.

We're also planning a wedding for next June, and it's been going surprisingly well, so far (knock on wood). It's still hard for me to believe that I'm getting married, but I'm really looking forward to it. I've been spending hours on theknot.com, photographer's websites, looking through google images of bouquets and flowers, etc. etc. And we still have ten months to go!

So, for the time being, there will be more IMDB movies in my future, lots more work, and a whole lot of trying to enjoy these last two weeks before school starts.

See you on the other side!

When I grow up

The truth is, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I remember in first grade, I wanted to be an author. In ninth grade, I wanted to major in journalism and political science.

And here I am, a year from graduating. I'll have not one, but two degrees - Journalism and Spanish. What am I going to do with them? Your guess is as good as mine.

For a long time, I saw myself as William Miller (even before I saw Almost Famous). I love music and writing, so why not?

William Miller = my nerdy, music-loving self

(Image from www.haro-online.com)

I wanted to write for Rolling Stone, and I still do. But I realize it's a long shot.

I love everything that journalism has been able to offer me so far. I love that I get to learn more about things that I'm interested in. I get to research things that intrigue me and then relay that information through my writing. I love it.

Then there are nights like last night, when writing is hard. It's really hard. But when you come out with a piece that you're proud of, it makes it all worth it.

More and more, I've been thinking about being a librarian. I love learning, constantly finding out new information. And, of course, I love reading. I've got a summer job in Special Collections at the library on campus, and I'll be organizing microforms. I have a feeling I'll be learning lots of interesting stuff because we have to find out what information is on the microforms, since they've never been catalogued.

I want to have a show like Nate Burkus. I love design and architecture, and I love helping people. Nate does all of that. Wonder if he needs an intern?!

 Then there's always the possibility of being a radio personality. Again, with the love of music.

I was looking into being a court interpreter, and I haven't completely ruled it out. It's just a bummer that certified interpreters in Missouri don't have salaried positions like some states do.

I like the fact that Sean and I are free and clear after graduation. We really have the option to do just about anything. I've constantly been thinking about moving to Spain, even if it's just for a year. The Spanish government wants native English speakers to teach in their schools, and they provide a decent salary. If I could teach in Oviedo...or Bilbao...or Barcelona...or Madrid...I'd be there in a heartbeat.

So, it's all just a big jumble of not-knowingness at this point, but that's okay. Someday, I'll know.

I'll get back to you when I do.

Weddings, Royal or Otherwise

It's still so strange for me to see people my age get engaged.

And I've been engaged for two years.

I realize how young I am, and how much people judge me when I tell them I'm getting married at 22.

But it really doesn't matter. And it never did. It didn't feel strange at all to me to be engaged at 19 or planning a wedding at 21. There was never a moment where I questioned if I was too young or if I should wait five or seven more years. It was never an issue or even a thought. And it still isn't.

I know I can't accurately describe how I feel when I'm around Sean. But I'll try anyway.

It's like a constant big, warm hug. When I come home or see him during the day, nothing else seems to matter. Whatever I've been stressing or worrying or thinking about...it all just shrinks. And it's not that I completely forget about it, but I know that he will listen and help me work through whatever current struggles I'm facing. It's teamwork if I've ever seen it.

Sometimes, it's a little Twilight Zone-y because he knows me so well. And I see so much of myself in him.

He knows how to make me laugh (especially when I'm mad at him), and he knows how to get under my skin. Then he smiles, and I just can't be mad at him any longer. I always tell him that he better hope that trick always works :)

After watching the Royal Wedding this morning (How bout it? Up at 3:50 a.m.), I'm just so excited to have my own wedding. I can't wait to have family and friends and good food and fun. I can't wait to look pretty and get hitched!

I'm excited to do most of the creation and decoration myself. Sure, I had multiple meltdowns over getting the venue chosen and booked, but now that that's out of the way, all the rest seems little and easy to achieve (even though it may or may not be).

I'm excited to have bright colors and daisies and sparkles everywhere. I'm excited to create the programs and send out invitations and see my girls in their bridesmaids dresses. I'm excited to try my dress on (again and again and again). I'm excited to get married in such a beautiful place to a beautiful person.

And one last word on the Royal Wedding...

I really wish Kate woulda had more BLING!!! :)

She was beautiful, though, and the wedding fit her style perfectly. And we're all going to remember it for years to come.

Harvey

"Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, 'In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.' Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me."

It's been awhile since I've seen a movie that gives me warm fuzzies. At the end of Harvey, you can't help but smile.

I have a feeling I saw this movie in one of my high school drama classes, as well, but as was my high school duty, I didn't pay attention to it. Kind of a shame, because it's now one of my favorites.

I have a feeling that working backwards up the IMDB Top 250 list (from #250 to #1), I'll always say that I liked the most recent movie better than the one before it. But since it's the first time I have the opportunity to do it, I'll do it. I enjoyed Harvey immensely.

It was another black and white movie, another play turned into a movie. 

And Elwood P. Dowd has an invisible friend who is a 6 foot tall rabbit. What's not to love?

Arsenic and Old Lace

It's so funny to see how much movies have changed since 1944.

The first time I saw Arsenic and Old Lace was my junior year of high school in Drama II. My teacher set up an old television on a cart and let it play. It was hard to hear, and like most mornings in high school, I was nearer to sleep than I was to being awake. I caught bits and pieces of it, and we read the play, so I knew what was going on, but I just wasn't fond of it.

The second time around was much better. Granted, I was tired last night when we watched it, but I soldiered through it.

The play was written by Joseph Kesselring in 1939, (isn't Wikipedia amazing?) and the movie is clearly driven by dialogue like plays usually are. But there are so many twists in the plot that it holds your attention without too much trouble. Can you imagine your aunts as murderers who know full well what they're doing?

It's hard not to love Aunt Abby and Aunt Martha, and in a weird way, it's a bit like Dexter (at least from what I've heard about Dexter). They're aware they're committing murder, and you're aware they're committing murder, but you still sympathize with them anyway. They're trying to make the lives of lonely men better...by killing them off.

Cary Grant has some incredibly intense facial expressions, and you can't help but feel terrible for his new bride Elaine, who he keeps ignoring as he tries to cover up the murders and remedy the situation.

You can't get much better than the parallel dialogue and action toward the end, where Mortimer narrates his own almost-murder through the plot of a play he saw, and the cop narrates his own almost-murder through the plot of a play he tries to pitch to Mortimer as the crazy brother Jonathan (who looks like Boris Karloff) comes down the stairs with a knife to stab him.

It was a good way to kick off our Top 250 adventure. Looks like there will be many more to come...

Top 250

It's now official. Sean and I are embarking on the most intense cultural awareness project to date.

We're going to watch the Top 250 movies of all time according to IMDB.

I'm not known for my knowledge of movies. In fact, before freshman year of high school, I feel like had seen less than three movies of significance. Of course, I'd seen all the Disney movies and Harry Potter and Remember the Titans and Radio, but that was really about it.

So for me, this is a big deal. I've checked off 50 of the top 250, so I suppose I was somewhat on my way. But, clearly, there's still a long way to go.

I'm going to be seeing a whole lot of stuff I've never seen before...silent films, Japanese films from the 50s, anime, westerns, and on and on. It's going to take some dedication and a whole lot of patience.

But I think it's something pretty cool and worth working toward.

So, tonight, Arsenic and Old Lace is on our Netflix Instant queue, though I saw it once junior year of high school. We're going to watch them ALL, even if we've already seen them.

Here goes nothing...

Empire State of Mind

It's been sixteen days since my first journey to New York City, and it's in my blood. It's this absolute need to go back as soon as possible, in any way possible for any reason possible.

I watched more than my fair share of MTV's TRL in my pre- and early teenage years, and I always wondered what it would be like to stand outside and cheer while the show was being taped. I've tuned in to Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve every December 31 and always wondered what it would be like to be in that huge mess of people and to see those bright lights.

For a mid-Missouri girl with a landlocked family, it seemed a pretty far-off dream. Maybe someday.

I somehow managed to save enough money for a trip to Boston (and if you know me, saving money is not something I'm a pro at) to visit my best friend Evelyn, who goes to Boston University. Just for shits, I checked Megabus to see if there were any routes between Boston and NYC. And once I entered the dates and clicked the "Search" button, the glorious price of $9.00 each way greeted me. How could I say no?

Ev had a full schedule on Tuesday and wouldn't be able to hang out with Sean and me, anyway, so it was a done deal. Sean had been there before with his high school choir and thought he knew a little about the area. But what we did was nothing like the structured trip he'd had before.

My mom flipped shit when she realized that we were going there without a plan. We were going to get off at 7th Avenue and 28th Street and see what happened (with Sean's SmartPhone in hand as a map). And that was the best damn plan I've ever had in my entire life.

I'm not one to plan things because shit always falls apart. I spend so much time attempting to get everything perfect, and then nothing ever works out. So why plan where we were going to eat? Why meticulously plan each route we would walk? Why even figure out what the hell we were going to see? Why not just wing it?

We got off the bus at 7th and 28th and said to each other (multiple times), "What now?" We went with basically our only option, which was to start walking. And we were hungry. There didn't seem to be a shortage of food joints, so we ended up at Salsa y Salsa and had a fabulous Mexican lunch. The walls inside were painted lilac with paintings of huge hibiscus flowers, and bright colored decorations hanging from the ceiling with neon-colored paper lanterns strung outside the restaurant. I had chicken enchiladas with black beans and rice...kinda spicy but delicious.

After consulting Sean's trusty phone, we decided we were pretty close to Greenwich Village and Washington Square, so that's where we headed. It was just like you see on TV and in the movies - old men and young kids sitting at tables in the park playing chess. The sun was shining beautifully through the bare branches of the trees, and people were sitting inside the fountain with the Washington Square Arch standing just yards away.

By this time, my old-woman aches and pains had started to kick in, with mainly my back causing me problems. It was time to sit in the fountain (which didn't have water in it, of course.) It was a 40-something degree day, but with the sun beaming down, I decided to take off my coat for awhile and just enjoy the beauty of the whole scene.

If you know anything about Counting Crows or how obsessed I am, it was a bit of a pilgrimage (cue "Washington Square"). And although it's probably not the same street as in the song, Sullivan Street lay right on the outskirts of the park. Needless to say, that was the street we took down toward Battery Park. It gave me chills.

Coming into NYC was rough. It was the part of town you didn't want to see, the part of town you didn't want to find yourself in. Run-down buildings, trash everywhere, stray animals trying to find food. For me, it wasn't an immediate good omen, and I really wondered if the trip was such a good idea after all. We then went through Harlem, and things continually started to improve. But there will always be that first image in my head.

We reached the Financial District and then Battery Park, where I saw the Statue of Liberty for the first time. If there was one thing I wished I had planned, it would have been the ferry trip out to Ellis Island. But who knows? We probably wouldn't have had time for it, anyway.

We saw this amazing memorial right in the middle of these huge skyscrapers. The Irish Hunger Memorial. It's this beautiful piece of Ireland right in the middle of the city. It may have been the strangest juxtaposition I've ever seen, but it was absolutely spectacular. It's a hillside covered in tall grass with stones and an authentic Irish cottage that was rebuilt on the site. It was the most bizarre thing to be standing in the middle of all this grass, feeling like you're in Ireland, and then turn around and see the concrete jungle. Very strange but very awesome.

After walking along Esplanade, we turned around to start walking back into the city. We walked completely around a construction site before realizing that it was ground zero. There was a tour group going through the area, so we stopped to listen to the guide as she talked about the memorial that was built into the site of the building across the street.

It wasn't anything like I imagined it, and I can't exactly explain why. I couldn't piece it altogether in my head. After seeing so many videos on the news and so many images in the paper during September 2001, I felt like I was there when it happened. I felt like I had seen it happen. But on this day in March, I just couldn't connect the dots. When I stepped into St. Paul's Chapel, I felt it. I saw the pew with the scratches from the firefighters and policemen sleeping in their uniforms. I saw all the badges that had been sent in from around the world to show support. I saw a cot that the rescue workers slept on, with one of the many stuffed animals that had been donated for them to sleep with. I saw all those that volunteered to help take care of the rescue workers. And in the end, that's what it was about. It wasn't about the horror that the world had seen but the genuine kindness, compassion and dedication that people showed throughout the weeks and months following September 11.

Our time ran short quickly after that, and we made our way up Broadway some 40 or 50-odd blocks. We were hoofin' it. Stopped at McDonald's for a shake and fries, thinking we'd end up eating elsewhere, but we didn't. I got to visit Desigual (my favorite store ever after finding the brand in Oviedo), and then we continued on our journey to Times Square.

There's just something magical about seeing those lights for the very first time. This is the place I've seen on TV, this is the place I've seen in the movies. This is it. It's just something so unique. There's so much color, so much movement, so much rushing, so much life. You just have to sit there and take it all in.

I'm glad that was our last stop on the trip. Because it left me wanting to see it again. And again and again. I want that office that the editor of Budget Travel magazine has, looking down into Times Square.

Although it probably won't be my permanent residence, I'd love to try living in New York. It's just something so strange and different and fascinating.

In some ways, I think I was born a New Yorker. I walk like a New Yorker. And New Yorkers don't mess around when they walk. They have somewhere to be. I'm living that same fast-paced lifestyle in an area where it's just kind of bizarre to do so. I felt a lot more at home being my usual rushing, get-down-to-business, I-have-somewhere-to-be type self in New York.

I need to be surrounded by people, and I need to be active. I need to have lots of things to see and lots of things to do and places to go. And there's no shortage of that in NYC.

Who knows? Maybe someday you'll see me in the Empire State.

After all, I'm already in the Empire State of Mind.