A real book is not one that we read, but one that reads us. -W.H. Auden, poet (1907-1973)
A speech belongs half to the speaker and half to the listener. -Michel de Montaigne, essayist (1533-1592)
The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience. -Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)
All ideas are already in the brain, just as all statues are in the marble. -Carlo Dossi, author and diplomat (1849-1910)
What the mind doesn't understand, it worships or fears. -Alice Walker, author (b. 1944)
The dust of exploded beliefs may make a fine sunset. -Geoffrey Madan, writer (1895-1947)
I wrote this earlier today, but it still seems like there's something that's missing, or something more that needs to be said. Here's this, anyway:
Rolling up the sleeves and tying back the hair for this one...it might be awhile.
Is it strange that I want to take pictures at a funeral?
Odd things keep entering my brain, and I can't help but think that that's one of them. As I sat watching the VFW representatives give the rifle salute to my great uncle, I couldn't help but want to capture it on film. To be able to look back and see their faces, see the flag folded and handed to my cousin.
I never got to know my great uncle, as many family get-togethers as we had at my grandma's house. He was there for the Easters, the Christmases, and for some reason, as I so often do around family, especially that side, I just never talked to him. A "Hi, how are you?" passed between us, but that was about the extent of it. And in the days leading up to his funeral and from the pastor's speech, I learned more about him than I had ever known. He logged twelve million miles as a truck driver and was a prisoner of war. From what I do remember of him, he always seemed to be in a good mood, and if there were anyone I would get along with, it should have been obvious to me that it would be him. But I missed an incredible person, once again.
So many things went through my head during the ceremony, mainly of guilt, as I was walking with the family, and I didn't even know him. And many, many thoughts about religion passed through my head as the pastor was preaching, but most of them have since left me.
For the life of me, I did not want to go up to the casket to see him laying there. That never bothered me with either of my grandfathers, but now moreso than ever, I just can't stand seeing someone. I can't handle an open casket. Not that I was attached to him in any way, shape, or form, or that it makes me sick or nervous or anything like that, I just don't want to see it. I don't want to see how plastic the skin looks, how fake everything seems. This may seem slightly crazy, and it probably is, but for my funeral, I want lots of pictures around. Because that's really the only way to truly remember things about a person, about all that you've been through. That, and of course, Counting Crows music. Seriously. If someone's going to remember me, it best be through my music. And I want people to celebrate. Sure, that sounds crazy, but I just want them to remember the better parts of me. And there should be a lot of chocolate to eat, as it's my favorite. Alright, now that I have the end of my life planned out, maybe it's time to deal with the time before that happens....
Anywho.
Having a part of your future figured out is nice, but where do you go from there? It seems there's always something else to take its place. It's not just enough to have your college picked out, because after that, you've got to decide what you want to major in, and after that, you've got to worry about how much money you're going to make and how you're going to survive in live. It's a crazy thing. I guess I'll just go with what I've got now and hope for the best.
This break has been such an odd one. I didn't have time to get Christmas presents bought, although it did get done, eventually. I don't feel rested, even though I've been sleeping more than not. I worked, and now I'm worried about telling my boss that she got the schedule wrong and that I need another day off. And as I was sitting coloring my new messenger bag, I realized just how much I concern myself with things that won't matter in a few days once they're done. Once I make the phone call and deal with her, it will be on to the next thing. It's just so tiring.
I'm just so tired.
Things just seem out of place, even though there's nothing out of place that I can put my finger on. I'm worried about classes for next term, an English project that's not getting finished, not being excited or having energy for the groups I'm participating in anymore. Just a lot of stuff.
I wonder again and again about the decisions I make. What am I really doing? Even in a day where nothing happens, I feel like there's so much I could be doing. Yes, I'm sitting at home reading for this project, but I could be out running around town, even though there's nothing I need. I don't know if it's just that I'm not content or what.
There's something I'm looking for, and I still haven't found it. I'm not constantly aware that I'm actually looking for anything, but at the heart of it, I'm quite sure that's what it is. Then again, once things get comfortable, it just seems like something's wrong. I'm doing something wrong.
In any case.
I heard a song [Collide] on the radio that made me cry. It makes me cry every single time I hear it. And it reminds me of better times, of times when the world was in the palm of my hand. When some of it was getting figured out. Or maybe just being realized. Mainly, just of someone that I have loved and always will love. And there's nothing more special than that. To have someone that understands you. That's just incredible.
Energy is at a minimum for me, and maybe that's where the problem is. Perhaps it's because I'm sick. And I can't think of a worse time to be sick than on break when you're supposed to be enjoying yourself, but I guess that's just how it happens. Just gotta deal.
I don't know what to expect out of this new year. More than ever, it really means nothing to me. It used to be exciting, a new start. I've since figured out that things don't change that easily just because of the date. They stay the same. And for the next 5 months, there's really no escaping it, so I might as well put my nose to the grindstone and deal with it. Terrible, but true.
I miss people who I know are my soul mates. The whole, "Yeah, we'll hang out sometime," and then we never do. I miss people that I enjoy, and that makes me sad. But time is so limited, and there's so much to be done.
I'm just so uneasy lately. Uneasy with the path that's ahead of me, the things I have to do, the choices I have to make. Maybe that's what's making me tired, and maybe that's the problem.
I'm just getting old.
This year has just been so frustrating, in so many ways. Of course, there have been incredible moments, but more often than not, it's just been drudging along. I know the best thing to do is just to get away from it all, although that seems to be what I attempted to do these past few weeks of break, and no real conclusions came from it, nothing got better, really. Things are just so strange, and I'm tired. I don't want to go back to school for another five months. I don't want to have to work with a boss that I have to tiptoe around constantly, I don't want to have to try and keep things from my best friend because she would just get mad at me for it. I don't want to be forced to do assignments, and I don't want people in my classes that I don't want to deal with. I don't want to have to do homework, or even put off having to do homework. I don't want to know that music journalists (or any journalists, really) don't make a lot of money. I don't want to go to college and find that what I want to do is completely different from what I should be doing. I don't want to keep making the wrong decisions.
There's more to be said, but I'm just too tired tonight...
