The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he
resigns momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself. -Archibald
MacLeish, poet and librarian (1892-1982)
How dreadful knowledge of the truth can be when there's no help in the
truth. -Sophocles, (495-405 BCE)
We find comfort among those who agree with us, growth among those who
don't. -Frank A. Clark, writer (1911- )
The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in
case you thought optimism was dead. -Robert Brault, software developer,
writer (1972- )
The courage of the poet is to keep ajar the door that leads into madness.
-Christopher Morley, writer (1890-1957)
As my breath fogs the two-paned window that opens my view into the outside world - a world of beauty - the world of deadlines, stress, and worry dissolves. The snow blankets the ground, softly, as I watch it fill the air. Tt slants gently, caressing the ground and smoothing the rough edges. No longer do the branches jut severely in each direction - they are forgiven for their harshness by the snow. And shown a new way to appear. And, for a time, all is stunning white, beautiful and breathtaking. It is impossible not to be taken in by this scene, changed deeply by what is before you. And in all the creation surrounds us, there is nothing more beautiful than what was here to begin with. I find myself taken hostage into the world of attempted achievement and success at a breakneck speed. Somehow, I continually succumb to it and experience all that it forces upon me, never for the better. But it is in walks by the river or snowy days or leaves that a car stirs up behind it, that I am able to relax for an instant, to enjoy the pure beauty that is before me. Why can't we slow down? Take time to experience the life that was meant to be? Why must we become machines when such wonder surrounds us? It is for the moments of beauty that I realize I live for. Everything in between is simply a distraction. Because, heaven forbid, we actually slow down for a moment, enjoy what was given to us. And yet, I still make the attempt. There is comfort in the spontinaity of nature, and peace in the breath that it gives. And if I could escape to such a place where my only worry was missing one of these small pleasures, I would in a heartbeat. But there is no escape from the insanity of this world, so I will take the small breaths that I can, the fleeting glimpses of beauty that I wish I could hold on to - experience - forever.
Good God, it's been forever since I've actually written something. Something of worth, anyway. AP English has stolen my love of English, but I supposed that I surrendered that love willingly in hopes of it being expanded, not crushed like it is at present. It's good to know that I can still feel, though. Or write what I feel. Seven out of tens and such nonsense - what's the point? Well, there is none. I've tried to play the game, but so far, I've failed miserably. It's a David and Goliath type thing, only this time, I'm David and David doesn't have a sling or a rock. Funny that I should bring up a Bible story with the certain state of things. I may speak of this at a later date, or maybe not. A discussion would be much easier than attempting to speak about things that I know nothing of. But I suppose I do that a lot. Hmm.
As of recent, I've realized that I shouldn't really listen to what people have to say about other people - that I should give them a fair chance, get to know them without judging based on someone else's opinion. Funny thing is, this is the exact opposite of what I was feeling, say a month or so ago. But this is a different situation, so I suppose that different approaches should be used. Now I'm rambling and I have no idea what I'm talking about and it's one in the morning. But I will continue because I want to.
There is so much that I don't understand that I really wish I could. And that is the story of my life. People have enlightened me, but no true answer has been found. I don't understand why things play out like they do. Have I changed that much? I know I have changed, in a sense, but in the greater scheme of things, I'm still the same person. And, all in all, I just don't understand. Maybe I'm hoping for something long past, but I just don't want it to be gone just yet.
Maybe what I've been looking for has been in front of me all along, which is a funny thing to realize. In multiple ways. How it will all play out, I'm not sure. But again, this time I'll give it a chance. It's all in knowing who to listen to.
Stress is ridiculous. Now is not the time for me to be writing about it, as I have spent the entire day being absolutely unproductive. My room is decorated for Christmas, and if I have to sacrifice my grades because I didn't do the homework I should have been doing, then so be it. I've decided that anyone who enjoys homework is a masochist. Myself not being one of them, I do what I enjoy and put it off until the last minute, which really isn't a good idea, but if I do it any other time, I will be sacrificing what "life" I have for something that I think is complete and total bullshit. So I just won't. And if I've learned anything recently, it is this: it isn't worth it. I've always been a perfectionist, whether I want to admit it or not. The perception that the people around me have of me has changed, but really, nothing else has. For the longest time, it was, "Amy, you always have to be perfect" etc. And I got so sick of hearing it, of people resenting me, but yet, I still did it. As the years have passed and the setting has changed, I'm surrounded by people much more intelligent than myself, so I no longer must swallow the insulting "compliments" of others, as I haven't proven to be worthy. Not that I'd want to. On the contrary, most nights, I just wish I were downright stupid. Then I wouldn't care and I wouldn't have to worry. The conclusion I've come to is this: I am not brilliant. I am far from it. I will not get into an elite university because I am not "elite." I am promising, but I am not a genius. There is a lot that I don't know, and there are a lot of people that surround me that know much more than I. But I am doing a sufficient job and hopefully one that will pay off in the future. I may go to a college that no one has ever heard of before, but it's for me. I honestly know that I could not handle being surrounded by brilliant people because I am not one of them. I am a phony. And having my ignorance revealed to me has been an experience, to say the least. There is a lot that I can't handle, and that, too, is being revealed to me on a regular basis. I want to do well, but it's enough for me just to finish, let alone do a "good job." I'm afraid I might have to be taken out of the game. Failure? Well, I haven't decided yet. I just don't know. But disappointing yourself and then realizing that you can do no more, again, is an altering experience. And for this, I look elsewhere to find happiness because I realize that there is no turning back, no hope to recover ground lost and knowledge left unlearned because I never knew it in the first place.
Failure is a funny thing.
It will be interesting to see how the rest of it plays out. It won't be pretty, of that I am assured.
Margery's dreaming of the middle of the day
Tiyuri to win
Perfect dozen to place
Money is the matter that's been on her mind
Time ticks by her one race at a time
She's tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses
Lookin' at a green sky
Sun like a red eye
Bright blue horses are the fortune she lives by
She's tired and lonely
Scarred and depressed
Her visions of one day go racing the next
She's tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses
Margie doesn't say anything all the way home
So afraid she'll awake to find she's all alone
Margery's wingspan's all feathers and coke cans, and
TV dinners and letters she wont send, and
Every race night is shot through with sunlight
Tryin to hit the big one, one last time tonight for
Drunken fathers and stupid mothers and
Boys who can't tell one girl from another
So she takes her pills
Careful and round
One of these days she's gonna throw the whole bottle down
But she's tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of
Tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses
