The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature
born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him... a touch is a blow, a sound
is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a
lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate
organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create -- so that
without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something
of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour
out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really
alive unless he is creating. -Pearl S. Buck, novelist, Nobel laureate
(1892-1973)
No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and
another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which
may be true. -Nathaniel Hawthorne, writer (1804-1864)
And so the time has come. Simply because I can hold it in no longer.
I have been trying to make meaning out of something meaningless. Trying to forge a life out of absolutely nothing. And in my quest for meaning, or for enjoyment at the least, I have failed miserably, as well. The more I consider it, the more meaningless it seems to go after the tangible, or maybe the intangible - in any case, success in school. And at this, too, I have failed miserably. I have long known that I am not an intelligent person to say the least, but in a class such as AP, I feel downright ignorant. Ignorance to the point of stupidity. And I knew some grammar at one point in time and things of that nature. Did I retain it? Of course not. Can I make any sense at all of a document written 222 years ago (exactly)? Of course not. Can I hope to "succeed" when I have failed thus far and have never reached a level of success even worthy of a nod? Of course not. Can I enjoy myself and my petty "accomplishments"? Of course not. Because there is always more to be done, more to be completed and spent countless hours on for nothing other than wasting life and sucking any hope of happiness out of it. Even if I try to go out on the weekend and have a good time, the work to be done still looms in the distance, so I can't fully enjoy myself, nor do I have that extra time I could have spent on it so that I could have felt a minute amount better about the work I have completed. If someone tells me that I am not a product of the Overachiever generation, I would beg to differ. Although, as much as I may want to deny it, it is a part of my being, and there is no way I could not do an assignment or not lose sleep when something is not completed. And that, I'm sure, is another large factor in this extreme state of "I can't do enough" psychosis.
And in my search for happiness, to be completely and totally honest, I believed I could find it in a blantant asshole. Again, another one of my character flaws believing in the best in people. I attempted to find a deeper side, but there was none, and so, of course, I was not rewarded for attempting to make someone see something that they obviously couldn't, and, in all actuality, it was the most amount of time I have ever wasted just to end up not even surprised at the way it ended as it did. But it's still quite unbelievable. And so I am scarred again, but of course it is of my own doing. I've tried to justify it, but it's all just plain stupidity.
And I can never do enough, and I will never accomplish enough, and I will never know enough, and I will never be enough. It's a great thought to live with, but the truth can't be denied.
Again, I attempt to find the best in something, to search for something, and I receive the equivalent of a slap in the face. I took an AP English course because I love English (or what I know as English) and I can think of it now as nothing more than a brutal beating. Again, the one thing I love is being stripped from me, and not only that, but it will take my mind along with it.
There is no way I can do all of this. No possible way.
But what do I do? I tell myself to suck it up and go on because it's never going to get any better, and it's never going to get any easier.
This is not life.
This is a joke. A very harsh, cruel joke that is the reality of my time spent doing something that I will receive nothing from in the end?
So, why then, do I do it?
I do it because I "have" to. Because the only way I can prove my worth to myself is if I just do it.
Because that number 29 is who I am.
That's all I can see.
And 29 is all I'm worth.
And, all in all, it must just be too much to ask to actually enjoy life for once, even for a moment. That would just be too much to ask.
And if this is now, what will be?
"A high flyer's what I want to be, seems they won't let me, say I'm too small, but I don't feel small at all..."
And so, of course, I will return to the work that needs to be done, to, in some psychopathic way, prove my worth in numbers, in knowledge that I will forget, and letters that will mean nothing.
So small, yet still so proud
At night before he dreams he looks into the clouds
A high flyer's what I want to be
Seems they won't let me, says I'm too small
I don't feel small at all
Break my dreams, that's what they'll do
Well I'm going to run away and learn to fly like you
I'm going to go so high and swoop so low
You can't bring me down, going to be so proud
Little angel you got to learn to fly
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Little angel just look in my eyes
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Push and shove then climb aboard
This is the shuttle train to the top of the world
When you look around what do you see
These are all high flyers
But none of these high flyers look like me
What is that supposed to mean
What am I supposed to be
I pull my way up through this crowd
To find your body crushed on the ground
It's so obvious, why couldn't you see
That you can't go high flying without a pair of high-flyer wings
Little one's broken lying on the ground
Trying to get up 'till his last breath out
Wings are strune everywhere, there's blood all around
'Cause even angel's die, but that light just fades
It's so sad, but he'd be so proud
Broken angel you've got to learn to fly
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Broken angel just look in my eyes
Get up and earn you wings tonight
Get up and earn your wings, earn your wings tonight
