When you blame others, you give up your power to change. -Douglas Noel
Adams
One of the most time-consuming things is to have an enemy. -E.B. White,
writer (1899-1985)
Not ignorance, but ignorance of ignorance, is the death of knowledge.
-Alfred North Whitehead, mathematician and philosopher (1861-1947)
A man who uses a great many words to express his meaning is like a bad
marksman who, instead of aiming a single stone at an object, takes up
a handful and throws at it in hopes he may hit. -Samuel Johnson,
lexicographer (1709-1784)
It is not bigotry to be certain we are right; but it is bigotry to be
unable to imagine how we might possibly have gone wrong. -G.K. Chesterton,
essayist and novelist (1874-1936)
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by
bolts of lightning. -Bill Watterson, comic strip artist (1958- ), in his
comic strip Calvin & Hobbes
For God's sake don't say yes until I've finished talking. -Darryl F.
Zanuck, movie producer, director, and actor (1902-1979)
Count no day lost in which you waited your turn, took only your share and
sought advantage over no one. -Robert Brault
One of my greatest pleasures in writing has come from the thought that
perhaps my work might annoy someone of comfortably pretentious position.
Then comes the saddening realization that such people rarely read. -John
Kenneth Galbraith, economist (1908-2006)
It takes a certain maturity of mind to accept that nature works as steadily
in rust as in rose petals. -Esther Warner Dendel, writer and artist
(1910-2002)
The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that
which must also make you lonely. -Lorraine Hansberry, playwright and
painter (1930-1965)
Two months and a day have passed, ample time for me to gather thoughts. Or forget them. Funny thing is, I'm usually extremely passionate when writing an entry, which is usually what compels me to write it. For awhile now, I've just been flatlining - that constant, never changing beep on a heart monitor. But when I read over older posts, I don't feel as strongly about it as I did at the time, so this will be a recollection, if nothing else.
Out running errands, my mom stopped to run in and buy a few quick things at the grocery store while my grandma and I stayed out in the van. The conversation somehow leaned toward my future, and she asked me where I wanted to go to college. "Well, Mom keeps saying that I need to stay here and go to Mizzou, but I don't want to. I want to get away, I'd still like to go to USC." "Well, I'd like it if you'd stay here and go to Mizzou." And instantly, that choked-up, tears-welling feeling hit me. It was just the way she looked at me, the way she said it, and once again, I find myself well moistened in the ocular area. I've thought about it, but I've never really thought about it. As much as mother has mentioned and suggested, it just took that one comment from my grandma to make me reconsider everything. And that's the reason I can't imagine leaving, while something is telling me to leave. I've gotten advice again and again to do what I want deep down, to do it for myself, but then there are things telling me to stay.
"Making connections with people is the hardest thing in the world. Relationships are so difficult to establish..." Adam got me thinking, once again, at the concert. Just how much difficulty he's had with his relationships, yet he's made something beautiful out of it. People don't often look below the surface, they take things at face value, when really, there's quite a bit more to it. Knowing what's inside, I can honestly say that I may have the same problem. Not being that I can't make connections with people, but that I don't find what I'm looking for. I never really understood "trust no one" until I found out for myself. Everything's been downhill since. It had been similar in other situations, but I guess it was just that particular time that I realized its meaning. Then there's more. Relationships where you're being used but don't want to believe it, even though it's right there in front of you. (Speak of the devil. Phone call at 1 am) And it must be my fault, in part, because I forget so much. And in this process of forgetting causes it to hurt a lot less, therfore, I forget it completely. If rememberance does happen, it conveys none of the feelings that I felt before, so I go on as if nothing happened. My fault? Possibly. For putting up with it, allowing it to go on. But the end is near, if not already. And it's a wonder that I put up with people at all. I wonder...is it only these certain people around me? Or would it be the same anywhere? It's got to be better somewhere. There've got to be people that actually care. That actually see. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm making life way too difficult.
Reading Miss American Pie, Margaret Sartor's diary from the 70's brought up even more interior consideration. Continuing with where I left off above, it would be so easy to just take everything, be shallow. So easy. And I believe that's what most people do. So, why then, do I always look at things so deeply? Answers are never found, usually only disappointment. But for some reason, shallowness just doesn't come easily. And I haven't decided whether or not I'd want it to.
And somewhere along in all this mess, love also makes its presence known. Brought up in a conversation I had recently and having mulled over it for a few days, I've realized that, other than family, there are very few people that I actually love. For reasons obvious. But very few people, nontheless. I suppose that I consider it something incredibly important, and I find it nowhere. Can't say that I look for it because I know I'm not going to find it, but more than anything, I believe it to be a connection found hardly ever, and when it is, it should be acknowledged. It's what people long for, search for, and few people ever find. Maybe I'm looking at it too seriously, but again, that's just how it happens. (Goodnight Elizabeth is playing on shuffle...odd...)
I was reading at my grandma's house (dad's mom) last week because we were over there for my aunt's birthday, and there was a lull in which I decided to take advantage of the couch. I started to read and enjoyed it, but exhaustion set in, and I literally fell asleep with my nose in a book. Funny thing is, I absolutely adore the smell of books. Especially if they're old. Just a moment that doesn't come around too often.
Once again...questions rise and answers fall, insurmountable.
Mixing the light into grey
The young can lose hope
Sometimes life don't leave me alone...
Is this just another day,... this God forgotten place?
First comes love, then comes pain. let the games begin,...
Questions rise and answers fall,... insurmountable.
Love boat captain
Take the reigns and steer us towards the clear,... here.
Its already been sung, but it cant be said enough.
All you need is love
Is this just another phase? earthquakes making waves,...
Trying to shake the cancer off? stupid human beings,...
Once you hold the hand of love,.. its all surmountable.
Hold me, and make it the truth,...
That when all is lost there will be you,...
Cause to the universe I dont mean a thing
And theres just one word I still believe
And its
Its an art to live with pain,... mix the light into grey,..
Lost 9 friends well never know,.. 2 years ago today
And if our lives became too long, would it add to our regret?
And the young, they can lose hope cause they cant see beyond today,...
The wisdom that the old cant give away
Hey,...
Constant recoil...
Sometimes life
Dont leave you alone.
Hold me, and make it the truth,...
That when all is lost there will be you.
Cause to the universe I dont mean a thing
And theres just one word that I still believe and its
Love,... love. love. love. love.
Love boat captain
Take the reigns,.. steer us towards the clear.
I know its already been sung,... cant be said enough.
Love is all you need,.. all you need is love,..
Love,.. love,...
Love.
