Gone

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! I had this whole thing typed up and then the site messes up. Thanks a ton. I swear.


A king can stand people fighting but he can't last long if people start
thinking. -Will Rogers, humorist (1879-1935)

We love flattery, even though we are not deceived by it, because it shows
that we are of importance enough to be courted. -Ralph Waldo Emerson,
writer and philosopher (1803-1882)

We will bankrupt ourselves in the vain search for absolute security.
-Dwight David Eisenhower, U.S. general and 34th president (1890-1969)

Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone? -Thomas Wolfe, novelist
(1900-1938)


Alright, this is a little late, seeing that we're already 12 days in to 2006, but what the heck? I liked it...should be interesting to see what I'm gonna say...


in the beginning of 2005...

did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Nope
how old were you?: 15
what was your outlook on the world?: I was learning so much, not only that, but looking at things in such a different way. (Slipped Away just came on shuffle...hmm)
how were you doing at school/your job?: All A's in everything, except an A- in Geometry, which sucked. And I really didn't like the teacher (that's put nicely), but she ended up nominating me for the consistent effort award. Irony. Art sucked soooo bad, and so did Driver's Ed. Can't believe I even lived through it all, and yet, there were good things that came out of it.
what did you most look forward to?: Club being over (it sucked) and summer for sure
did you make new year's resolutions?: Yep - walking Molly and drinking water...did both of them more, but not enough.
what was your biggest worry?: School, without a doubt
what did you do with your spare time?: Managed soccer, which was a blast, weightlifted with school, then conditioning with Coach Salmon, club volleyball, etc. The good stuff: watched some awesome movies, read some great books, listened to incredible music, and ran.
what did you do for fun?: Not a lot, actually

in the middle of 2005 - the summer!

did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Nope, "dated" someone though, I guess
had your outlook on the world changed?: Yes and no
what did you spend your summer doing?: Jays volleyball camp, West Plains volleyball team camp, Mizzou volleyball camp, Volleyball conditioning and tryouts, then practice every day. Went to MASC and my cousin had her wedding was this summer, too.
did you get a tan?: Sadly, not really
did you go visit anywhere?: Mackinaw City, Mackinac Island, and Traverse City, Michigan...The Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island was incredible
what was your biggest worry?: How the volleyball season would play out, and how my new classes would go...also, the end to the summer relationship
what was the most fun event that happened?: StuCo camp in Fulton was a blast, playing volleyball, and PARASAILING in Michigan!!!

and as the year draws to an end...

still have a significant other?: Nope
how old are you?: 16
what major changes have happened since the year began?: Not a whole lot has changed, really. I still stress out way too much about school and everything. The high school wasn't too hard to adjust to, but it's a significant change.
is your life any different from when it started this year?: I've been flying solo lately, and it's good. Get to spend time with a lot of different people, and I've realized that there are people out there my age who are intelligent (outside of the classroom). I've hung out with a bunch of different groups and it's been good.
what thing that happened stands out in your mind?: All that I've been able to learn. And not the textbook-type knowledge, but things so much deeper. My life was changed and it's something I will never forget.
how have you changed?: I haven't really changed at all. Which is scary, because everyone around me is. My goals and my morals are still the same, and they won't be changing anytime soon. It's just sad to see so many people change for the worse.
what was the most embarrassing moment?: Every day is an embarrassing moment. I do stupid stuff all the time. I guess I've learned to forget everything stupid I've done because I do it so often...
when was your lowest point?: January - I was a basket case.
are you happy with how the year went?: It happened. I can't really say that it was how I would have wanted it to happen, but it did. It wasn't terrible. Actually, at times it was. Not much you can do about it.
what thing would you change if you could?: I really don't think I would change anything, once I think about it.

for 2006...

what do you plan to not do that you did this year?: Do things that I want to do, although I know it's not going to happen. And talk to people all the time - not that I don't, but sometimes I'll see someone and then I feel like I should have said something. And become a better conversationalist.
do you think it'll be better than this year?: "Maybe this year will be better than the last/I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself/to hold on to these moments as they pass" This year wasn't bad, but it wasn't great, either. Hopefully, this next year will be better.
do you think it'll be WORSE than this year?: I hope not. If I had to dub this year, it would be "The year of screwed up and terribly missed relationships" I learned the hard way that you can NOT trust people. At all. Thank God for the exceptions. And there are exceptions, if only one or two. It's scary how people change, but it's a comfort knowing that I am still the same person.
what do you plan to do next year?: Do my best in everything (I've discovered that I'm full of BS when it comes to writing papers!), not stress out over every little thing, make the big decisions that are to come correctly
what are your pre-new year's resolutions?: Well, New Year's has already happened...
who are you spending new year's eve with?: I spent it with my family - Gma, Mom, Dad, Wendy, Sadie, Cole, Heather, Brent, Aunt Kathy, Uncle Leroy - and tons of good food!!!

and to wrap it up...
what one thing would you like to say as the year is almost done?: I've learned a lot in the first 12 days of the New Year, already. I owe so much to some people, one in particular. I've learned that the great things that happened in the past are still there. They're still yours. I've learned to live with the past and present side by side. Although things may change, they were great at one time, and that moment in time will always remain what it was. Last year, I learned so much. More than I thought possible, and it all came as a surprise to me. Great things happened this past year, and I will never forget. More than anything, I just want to gain more confidence in what I do, and hopefully that confidence will cause some sense of accomplishment and the realization that it's okay to relax every once in awhile.


Still ticked about losing that post...this one probably isn't as good, but I did what I could. The Honors paper is FINALLY finished, and I am overjoyed. Things have been okay lately. Nothing terrible, but nothing great, either. So I guess this is life? "Gone" came on my iPod when I was driving home through uptown and things again just kind of seemed to fall into place for a minute. Maybe I should drive more often? Coach Hughes was at FCA today...he is inspiring! He definitely gets with it! I'm so glad we have FCA because it keeps me centered on what's really important, although I often forget. We have the day off on Monday, and it is then that I will write a post that has been hanging around waiting for the right words to find it. For now, I must memorize a poem and study Spanish II.


She told him she'd rather fix her makeup
Than try to fix what's going on
But the problem keeps on calling
Even with the cell phone gone
She told him that she believes in living
Bigger than she's living now
But her world keeps spinning backwards
And upsidedown
Don't say so long in the cell phone
Don't spend today away
Cuz today will soon be

Gone, like yesterday is gone,
Like history is
Gone, just try and prove me wrong
And pretend like your immortal

She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every day we borrow
Brings us one step closer to the edge, infinity
Where's your treasure, where's your hope
Forget the world and lose your soul
She pretends like, she pretends like she's immortal
Don't say so long
You're not that far gone
This could be your big chance to makeup
Today will soon be

Gone, like yeterday is gone,
Like history is gone,
The world keeps spinning on,
You're going, going, gone,
Like sumemr break is gone,
Like Saturday is gone
Just try and prove me wrong
You pretend like you're immortal, you're immortal

We are not infinite
We are not permanent
Nothing is immediate
We're so confident
In our accomplishments
Look at how dark it is

Gone, like Frank Sinatra
Like Elvis and his mom
Like Al Pacino's cash, nothing lasts in this life
My high school dreams are gone
My childhood sweets are gone
Life is a day that doesn't last for long

Life is more than money
Time was never money
Time was never cash
Life is still more than girls
Life is more than hundred dollar bills
And oh the town fills
Life is more than fame and rock and roll and thrills
All the riches of the kings
End up in wills
We got information in the information age
But do we know what life is
Outside of our conveinent Lexus cages

She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every moment that we borrow
Brings us closer to the God who's not short of cash
Hey Bono I'm glad you asked
Life is still worth living, life is still worth living

Mrs. Potter's Lullaby

When I feel inclined to read poetry, I take down my dictionary. The poetry
of words is quite as beautiful as the poetry of sentences. The author may
arrange the gems effectively, but their shape and lustre have been given by
the attrition of ages. -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., writer and physician
(1809-1894)

An open mind is a prerequisite to an open heart. -Robert M. Sapolsky,
neuroscientist and author (1957- )

Words form the thread on which we string our experiences. -Aldous Huxley,
novelist (1894-1963)

^Notice the above quote didn't say, "Words form the thread on which we string our analyses." I believe I got my point across.

As I was driving home tonight at the early hour of 8 (instead of the expected 10), I had my iPod playing and Mrs. Potter's Lullaby came on. I don't know what it was. It's probably just one of those experiences you can't put into words, but I shall try anyway. It occured to me how open the future really is. For a minute, everything was so unknown, and yet, I was alright with it. It was just a kind of peace. It could have been the music, it could have been the view of seeing all the city lights coming down Southwest Blvd. or it could have been what I realized after I had thought about all that. And that was this - some things will always be with me, no matter what. Through any and everything, they will always be there. Even if they aren't anywhere near, they're still with me. And there are some things that I will always remember. It's part of my makeup, I know, to forget things. It may have been at a young age, before I even realized that I was doing it - forgetting all these things that have happened to me - but I know there are things that I won't. A comfort.
And I finally realized where I had heard "Fire and Rain" by James Taylor before - on Remember the Titans. What a great movie. I just saw the last 20 minutes or so on TNT. I thought about watching the whole thing tonight because I got it for Christmas, but even in my movie-viewing experiences, I shall be a responisble student and watch Patch Adams in my research for Zelda Sayre in The Last Flapper - the piece I'm doing for Speech and Drama Performance.
One more rather broad but specific thought/question/consideration. After so much of taking something, you reach a point where you don't know if you can go through with it any more. It was something you loved at one time, but do you love it now? And what do you do when there is something that you love equally, or maybe even more, and they are asking you continually to join? It's a matter of glory, and I don't want to go out, knowing that I left something behind, but I don't want to stay, knowing that it's ruining any other possibility of any type of happiness, joy, and the like. What, then, shall I do? As far as I can conclude, I will let time decide. But is that the best answer?
Guess I'm finished. I really need to get some stuff on here, but as I have held, it has to be the right time and the right inspiration. Not that I don't have the inspiration now, just the inspiration combined with no lack of words. And trust me, I'm usually lacking.
Listened to "Elderly Woman in a Small Town" live and album versions. Love them.
Got an awesome ringtone today, as well...any guesses?
Off to study...and watch a movie all in one. This I like.


Well I woke up in mid afternoon cause that's when it all hurts the most
I dream I never know anyone at the party and I'm always the host
If dreams are like movies then memories are films about ghosts
You can never escape, you can only move south down the coast
Well I am an idiot walking a tightrope of fortune and fame
I am an acrobat swinging trapezes through circles of flame
If you've never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame
And though I'll never forget your face sometimes I can't remember my name
Hey, Mrs. Potter, don't cry
Hey, Mrs. Potter, I know why
But, hey, Mrs. Potter, won't you talk to me
Well there's a piece of Maria in every song that I sing
And the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings
And there is always one last light to turn out and one last bell to ring
And the last one out of the circus has to lock up everything
Or the elephants will get out and forget to remember what you said
Oh and the ghosts of the tilt-o-whirl will linger inside of your head
Oh and the Ferris wheel junkies will spin there forever instead
When I see you, a blanket of stars covers me in my bed
Hey, Mrs. Potter, don't go, I said
Hey, Mrs. Potter, I don't know, but
Hey, Mrs. Potter, won't you talk to me
Well all the blue light reflections that color my mind when I sleep
And the lovesick rejections that accompany the company I keep
All the razor perceptions that cut just a little too deep
Hey, I can bleed as well as anyone but I need someone to help me sleep
So I throw my hand into the air and it swims in the beams
It's just a brief interruption of the swirling dust sparkle jet stream
Well I know I don't know you and you're probably not what you seem
Aw, but I'd sure like to find out
So why don't you climb down off that movie screen
Hey, Mrs. Potter, don't turn
Hey, Mrs. Potter, I burn for you
Hey, Mrs. Potter, won't you talk to me
When the last king of Hollywood shatters his glass on the floor
And orders another
Well, I wonder what he did that for
That's when I know that I have to get out cause I have been there before
So I gave up my seat at the bar and I head for the door. Yeah.
We drove out to the desert just to lie down beneath this bowl of stars
We stand up in the Palace, like it's the last of the great pioneer town bars
Aw, we shout out these songs against the clang of electric guitars
Well, you can see a million miles tonight
But you can't get very far
Aw, you can see a million miles tonight
But you can't get very far
Hey, Mrs. Potter, I won't touch and
Hey, Mrs. Potter, it's not much but
Hey, Mrs. Potter, won't you talk to me