The dissenter is every human being at those moments of his life when he
resigns momentarily from the herd and thinks for himself. -Archibald
MacLeish, poet and librarian (1892-1982)
How dreadful knowledge of the truth can be when there's no help in the
truth. -Sophocles, (495-405 BCE)
We find comfort among those who agree with us, growth among those who
don't. -Frank A. Clark, writer (1911- )
The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in
case you thought optimism was dead. -Robert Brault, software developer,
writer (1972- )
The courage of the poet is to keep ajar the door that leads into madness.
-Christopher Morley, writer (1890-1957)
As my breath fogs the two-paned window that opens my view into the outside world - a world of beauty - the world of deadlines, stress, and worry dissolves. The snow blankets the ground, softly, as I watch it fill the air. Tt slants gently, caressing the ground and smoothing the rough edges. No longer do the branches jut severely in each direction - they are forgiven for their harshness by the snow. And shown a new way to appear. And, for a time, all is stunning white, beautiful and breathtaking. It is impossible not to be taken in by this scene, changed deeply by what is before you. And in all the creation surrounds us, there is nothing more beautiful than what was here to begin with. I find myself taken hostage into the world of attempted achievement and success at a breakneck speed. Somehow, I continually succumb to it and experience all that it forces upon me, never for the better. But it is in walks by the river or snowy days or leaves that a car stirs up behind it, that I am able to relax for an instant, to enjoy the pure beauty that is before me. Why can't we slow down? Take time to experience the life that was meant to be? Why must we become machines when such wonder surrounds us? It is for the moments of beauty that I realize I live for. Everything in between is simply a distraction. Because, heaven forbid, we actually slow down for a moment, enjoy what was given to us. And yet, I still make the attempt. There is comfort in the spontinaity of nature, and peace in the breath that it gives. And if I could escape to such a place where my only worry was missing one of these small pleasures, I would in a heartbeat. But there is no escape from the insanity of this world, so I will take the small breaths that I can, the fleeting glimpses of beauty that I wish I could hold on to - experience - forever.
Good God, it's been forever since I've actually written something. Something of worth, anyway. AP English has stolen my love of English, but I supposed that I surrendered that love willingly in hopes of it being expanded, not crushed like it is at present. It's good to know that I can still feel, though. Or write what I feel. Seven out of tens and such nonsense - what's the point? Well, there is none. I've tried to play the game, but so far, I've failed miserably. It's a David and Goliath type thing, only this time, I'm David and David doesn't have a sling or a rock. Funny that I should bring up a Bible story with the certain state of things. I may speak of this at a later date, or maybe not. A discussion would be much easier than attempting to speak about things that I know nothing of. But I suppose I do that a lot. Hmm.
As of recent, I've realized that I shouldn't really listen to what people have to say about other people - that I should give them a fair chance, get to know them without judging based on someone else's opinion. Funny thing is, this is the exact opposite of what I was feeling, say a month or so ago. But this is a different situation, so I suppose that different approaches should be used. Now I'm rambling and I have no idea what I'm talking about and it's one in the morning. But I will continue because I want to.
There is so much that I don't understand that I really wish I could. And that is the story of my life. People have enlightened me, but no true answer has been found. I don't understand why things play out like they do. Have I changed that much? I know I have changed, in a sense, but in the greater scheme of things, I'm still the same person. And, all in all, I just don't understand. Maybe I'm hoping for something long past, but I just don't want it to be gone just yet.
Maybe what I've been looking for has been in front of me all along, which is a funny thing to realize. In multiple ways. How it will all play out, I'm not sure. But again, this time I'll give it a chance. It's all in knowing who to listen to.
Stress is ridiculous. Now is not the time for me to be writing about it, as I have spent the entire day being absolutely unproductive. My room is decorated for Christmas, and if I have to sacrifice my grades because I didn't do the homework I should have been doing, then so be it. I've decided that anyone who enjoys homework is a masochist. Myself not being one of them, I do what I enjoy and put it off until the last minute, which really isn't a good idea, but if I do it any other time, I will be sacrificing what "life" I have for something that I think is complete and total bullshit. So I just won't. And if I've learned anything recently, it is this: it isn't worth it. I've always been a perfectionist, whether I want to admit it or not. The perception that the people around me have of me has changed, but really, nothing else has. For the longest time, it was, "Amy, you always have to be perfect" etc. And I got so sick of hearing it, of people resenting me, but yet, I still did it. As the years have passed and the setting has changed, I'm surrounded by people much more intelligent than myself, so I no longer must swallow the insulting "compliments" of others, as I haven't proven to be worthy. Not that I'd want to. On the contrary, most nights, I just wish I were downright stupid. Then I wouldn't care and I wouldn't have to worry. The conclusion I've come to is this: I am not brilliant. I am far from it. I will not get into an elite university because I am not "elite." I am promising, but I am not a genius. There is a lot that I don't know, and there are a lot of people that surround me that know much more than I. But I am doing a sufficient job and hopefully one that will pay off in the future. I may go to a college that no one has ever heard of before, but it's for me. I honestly know that I could not handle being surrounded by brilliant people because I am not one of them. I am a phony. And having my ignorance revealed to me has been an experience, to say the least. There is a lot that I can't handle, and that, too, is being revealed to me on a regular basis. I want to do well, but it's enough for me just to finish, let alone do a "good job." I'm afraid I might have to be taken out of the game. Failure? Well, I haven't decided yet. I just don't know. But disappointing yourself and then realizing that you can do no more, again, is an altering experience. And for this, I look elsewhere to find happiness because I realize that there is no turning back, no hope to recover ground lost and knowledge left unlearned because I never knew it in the first place.
Failure is a funny thing.
It will be interesting to see how the rest of it plays out. It won't be pretty, of that I am assured.
Margery's dreaming of the middle of the day
Tiyuri to win
Perfect dozen to place
Money is the matter that's been on her mind
Time ticks by her one race at a time
She's tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses
Lookin' at a green sky
Sun like a red eye
Bright blue horses are the fortune she lives by
She's tired and lonely
Scarred and depressed
Her visions of one day go racing the next
She's tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses
Margie doesn't say anything all the way home
So afraid she'll awake to find she's all alone
Margery's wingspan's all feathers and coke cans, and
TV dinners and letters she wont send, and
Every race night is shot through with sunlight
Tryin to hit the big one, one last time tonight for
Drunken fathers and stupid mothers and
Boys who can't tell one girl from another
So she takes her pills
Careful and round
One of these days she's gonna throw the whole bottle down
But she's tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of
Tryin' to be a good girl
And give 'em what they want
But Margery's dreaming of horses
Friday, December 01, 2006
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Broken Angel
The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature
born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him... a touch is a blow, a sound
is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a
lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate
organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create -- so that
without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something
of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour
out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really
alive unless he is creating. -Pearl S. Buck, novelist, Nobel laureate
(1892-1973)
No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and
another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which
may be true. -Nathaniel Hawthorne, writer (1804-1864)
And so the time has come. Simply because I can hold it in no longer.
I have been trying to make meaning out of something meaningless. Trying to forge a life out of absolutely nothing. And in my quest for meaning, or for enjoyment at the least, I have failed miserably, as well. The more I consider it, the more meaningless it seems to go after the tangible, or maybe the intangible - in any case, success in school. And at this, too, I have failed miserably. I have long known that I am not an intelligent person to say the least, but in a class such as AP, I feel downright ignorant. Ignorance to the point of stupidity. And I knew some grammar at one point in time and things of that nature. Did I retain it? Of course not. Can I make any sense at all of a document written 222 years ago (exactly)? Of course not. Can I hope to "succeed" when I have failed thus far and have never reached a level of success even worthy of a nod? Of course not. Can I enjoy myself and my petty "accomplishments"? Of course not. Because there is always more to be done, more to be completed and spent countless hours on for nothing other than wasting life and sucking any hope of happiness out of it. Even if I try to go out on the weekend and have a good time, the work to be done still looms in the distance, so I can't fully enjoy myself, nor do I have that extra time I could have spent on it so that I could have felt a minute amount better about the work I have completed. If someone tells me that I am not a product of the Overachiever generation, I would beg to differ. Although, as much as I may want to deny it, it is a part of my being, and there is no way I could not do an assignment or not lose sleep when something is not completed. And that, I'm sure, is another large factor in this extreme state of "I can't do enough" psychosis.
And in my search for happiness, to be completely and totally honest, I believed I could find it in a blantant asshole. Again, another one of my character flaws believing in the best in people. I attempted to find a deeper side, but there was none, and so, of course, I was not rewarded for attempting to make someone see something that they obviously couldn't, and, in all actuality, it was the most amount of time I have ever wasted just to end up not even surprised at the way it ended as it did. But it's still quite unbelievable. And so I am scarred again, but of course it is of my own doing. I've tried to justify it, but it's all just plain stupidity.
And I can never do enough, and I will never accomplish enough, and I will never know enough, and I will never be enough. It's a great thought to live with, but the truth can't be denied.
Again, I attempt to find the best in something, to search for something, and I receive the equivalent of a slap in the face. I took an AP English course because I love English (or what I know as English) and I can think of it now as nothing more than a brutal beating. Again, the one thing I love is being stripped from me, and not only that, but it will take my mind along with it.
There is no way I can do all of this. No possible way.
But what do I do? I tell myself to suck it up and go on because it's never going to get any better, and it's never going to get any easier.
This is not life.
This is a joke. A very harsh, cruel joke that is the reality of my time spent doing something that I will receive nothing from in the end?
So, why then, do I do it?
I do it because I "have" to. Because the only way I can prove my worth to myself is if I just do it.
Because that number 29 is who I am.
That's all I can see.
And 29 is all I'm worth.
And, all in all, it must just be too much to ask to actually enjoy life for once, even for a moment. That would just be too much to ask.
And if this is now, what will be?
"A high flyer's what I want to be, seems they won't let me, say I'm too small, but I don't feel small at all..."
And so, of course, I will return to the work that needs to be done, to, in some psychopathic way, prove my worth in numbers, in knowledge that I will forget, and letters that will mean nothing.
So small, yet still so proud
At night before he dreams he looks into the clouds
A high flyer's what I want to be
Seems they won't let me, says I'm too small
I don't feel small at all
Break my dreams, that's what they'll do
Well I'm going to run away and learn to fly like you
I'm going to go so high and swoop so low
You can't bring me down, going to be so proud
Little angel you got to learn to fly
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Little angel just look in my eyes
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Push and shove then climb aboard
This is the shuttle train to the top of the world
When you look around what do you see
These are all high flyers
But none of these high flyers look like me
What is that supposed to mean
What am I supposed to be
I pull my way up through this crowd
To find your body crushed on the ground
It's so obvious, why couldn't you see
That you can't go high flying without a pair of high-flyer wings
Little one's broken lying on the ground
Trying to get up 'till his last breath out
Wings are strune everywhere, there's blood all around
'Cause even angel's die, but that light just fades
It's so sad, but he'd be so proud
Broken angel you've got to learn to fly
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Broken angel just look in my eyes
Get up and earn you wings tonight
Get up and earn your wings, earn your wings tonight
born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him... a touch is a blow, a sound
is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a
lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate
organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create -- so that
without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something
of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour
out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really
alive unless he is creating. -Pearl S. Buck, novelist, Nobel laureate
(1892-1973)
No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and
another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which
may be true. -Nathaniel Hawthorne, writer (1804-1864)
And so the time has come. Simply because I can hold it in no longer.
I have been trying to make meaning out of something meaningless. Trying to forge a life out of absolutely nothing. And in my quest for meaning, or for enjoyment at the least, I have failed miserably, as well. The more I consider it, the more meaningless it seems to go after the tangible, or maybe the intangible - in any case, success in school. And at this, too, I have failed miserably. I have long known that I am not an intelligent person to say the least, but in a class such as AP, I feel downright ignorant. Ignorance to the point of stupidity. And I knew some grammar at one point in time and things of that nature. Did I retain it? Of course not. Can I make any sense at all of a document written 222 years ago (exactly)? Of course not. Can I hope to "succeed" when I have failed thus far and have never reached a level of success even worthy of a nod? Of course not. Can I enjoy myself and my petty "accomplishments"? Of course not. Because there is always more to be done, more to be completed and spent countless hours on for nothing other than wasting life and sucking any hope of happiness out of it. Even if I try to go out on the weekend and have a good time, the work to be done still looms in the distance, so I can't fully enjoy myself, nor do I have that extra time I could have spent on it so that I could have felt a minute amount better about the work I have completed. If someone tells me that I am not a product of the Overachiever generation, I would beg to differ. Although, as much as I may want to deny it, it is a part of my being, and there is no way I could not do an assignment or not lose sleep when something is not completed. And that, I'm sure, is another large factor in this extreme state of "I can't do enough" psychosis.
And in my search for happiness, to be completely and totally honest, I believed I could find it in a blantant asshole. Again, another one of my character flaws believing in the best in people. I attempted to find a deeper side, but there was none, and so, of course, I was not rewarded for attempting to make someone see something that they obviously couldn't, and, in all actuality, it was the most amount of time I have ever wasted just to end up not even surprised at the way it ended as it did. But it's still quite unbelievable. And so I am scarred again, but of course it is of my own doing. I've tried to justify it, but it's all just plain stupidity.
And I can never do enough, and I will never accomplish enough, and I will never know enough, and I will never be enough. It's a great thought to live with, but the truth can't be denied.
Again, I attempt to find the best in something, to search for something, and I receive the equivalent of a slap in the face. I took an AP English course because I love English (or what I know as English) and I can think of it now as nothing more than a brutal beating. Again, the one thing I love is being stripped from me, and not only that, but it will take my mind along with it.
There is no way I can do all of this. No possible way.
But what do I do? I tell myself to suck it up and go on because it's never going to get any better, and it's never going to get any easier.
This is not life.
This is a joke. A very harsh, cruel joke that is the reality of my time spent doing something that I will receive nothing from in the end?
So, why then, do I do it?
I do it because I "have" to. Because the only way I can prove my worth to myself is if I just do it.
Because that number 29 is who I am.
That's all I can see.
And 29 is all I'm worth.
And, all in all, it must just be too much to ask to actually enjoy life for once, even for a moment. That would just be too much to ask.
And if this is now, what will be?
"A high flyer's what I want to be, seems they won't let me, say I'm too small, but I don't feel small at all..."
And so, of course, I will return to the work that needs to be done, to, in some psychopathic way, prove my worth in numbers, in knowledge that I will forget, and letters that will mean nothing.
So small, yet still so proud
At night before he dreams he looks into the clouds
A high flyer's what I want to be
Seems they won't let me, says I'm too small
I don't feel small at all
Break my dreams, that's what they'll do
Well I'm going to run away and learn to fly like you
I'm going to go so high and swoop so low
You can't bring me down, going to be so proud
Little angel you got to learn to fly
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Little angel just look in my eyes
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Push and shove then climb aboard
This is the shuttle train to the top of the world
When you look around what do you see
These are all high flyers
But none of these high flyers look like me
What is that supposed to mean
What am I supposed to be
I pull my way up through this crowd
To find your body crushed on the ground
It's so obvious, why couldn't you see
That you can't go high flying without a pair of high-flyer wings
Little one's broken lying on the ground
Trying to get up 'till his last breath out
Wings are strune everywhere, there's blood all around
'Cause even angel's die, but that light just fades
It's so sad, but he'd be so proud
Broken angel you've got to learn to fly
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Broken angel just look in my eyes
Get up and earn you wings tonight
Get up and earn your wings, earn your wings tonight
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
-------
I may have just experienced one of the best nights in my entire life. And, no, not because it was enjoyable, or even remotely so, but if I could condense everything into one night, this would have to be it.
The night, of course, included the usual drama, and I don't know if I allowed myself to be persuaded into it, and even if so, it may have made me a stronger person. So, as I spent the night after the powderpuff game and the bonfire being vengeful, I knew it wouldn't last for long, all the while still being completely taken away by it. Little did I know what was about to come.
After I dropped Evelyn off at her house and I was driving away, I saw someone getting into their red car and remembered that Evelyn had told me that a boy that was in my eighth grade class lived there. He and I were close friends during that year, and he and a bunch of my other guy friends hung out on our class trip to Six Flags. That being said, it is now junior year, and I really haven't talked to him in a long time. So, I yell at him, and he doesn't know who I am at first, but then sees me and opens my car door and sits in the passenger seat. Somehow, I explain to him the situation of the night, he smiles, simply looks at me, and says, "Did your boyfriend sleep with your best friend?" He then tells me the story, and I feel completely idiotic. But then he smiles and says, "But after I thought about it, I know I can forgive them. I have to forgive them. Because that's what Jesus would do." I can't even describe it. But, of course, my eyes welled up. He told me a bit more of the story and then said, "You know, if people would just forgive each other, that would get rid of about seventy to eighty percent of the problems in the world. There wouldn't be any wars and people would actually get along." He's made a lot of choices in life that many people would look down upon, but you give me the most upright person you know, and they couldn't hold a candle to him. It's that simple. I can't begin to describe the level of respect I have for him, or just how that simple fifteen minute conversation may have changed absolutely everything. And I told him, "I know this may sound crazy, but I really think this was meant to happen," and he said, "No, I totally agree. Things like this are meant to happen." And that was that. Absolutely incredible.
And I am absolutely positive that that had something to do with the next event, that of a friend calling me in tears because of problems she was dealing with. I went to her house, and we laid in the street and talked about everything for about an hour and a half. And that was all.
There was so much beauty in tonight, I can't even begin to describe or explain. It was the completely unexpected that showed me everything, that opened up something completely different within me. And it may have been one of the greatest lessons I've ever learned. And through all this, I know it was the way it was, and I am the way I am because of one person. I know I would never be able to think the way I do without them, without what they've done for me. And maybe I helped change the world for the good a little tonight. It all circles around in the end.
The night, of course, included the usual drama, and I don't know if I allowed myself to be persuaded into it, and even if so, it may have made me a stronger person. So, as I spent the night after the powderpuff game and the bonfire being vengeful, I knew it wouldn't last for long, all the while still being completely taken away by it. Little did I know what was about to come.
After I dropped Evelyn off at her house and I was driving away, I saw someone getting into their red car and remembered that Evelyn had told me that a boy that was in my eighth grade class lived there. He and I were close friends during that year, and he and a bunch of my other guy friends hung out on our class trip to Six Flags. That being said, it is now junior year, and I really haven't talked to him in a long time. So, I yell at him, and he doesn't know who I am at first, but then sees me and opens my car door and sits in the passenger seat. Somehow, I explain to him the situation of the night, he smiles, simply looks at me, and says, "Did your boyfriend sleep with your best friend?" He then tells me the story, and I feel completely idiotic. But then he smiles and says, "But after I thought about it, I know I can forgive them. I have to forgive them. Because that's what Jesus would do." I can't even describe it. But, of course, my eyes welled up. He told me a bit more of the story and then said, "You know, if people would just forgive each other, that would get rid of about seventy to eighty percent of the problems in the world. There wouldn't be any wars and people would actually get along." He's made a lot of choices in life that many people would look down upon, but you give me the most upright person you know, and they couldn't hold a candle to him. It's that simple. I can't begin to describe the level of respect I have for him, or just how that simple fifteen minute conversation may have changed absolutely everything. And I told him, "I know this may sound crazy, but I really think this was meant to happen," and he said, "No, I totally agree. Things like this are meant to happen." And that was that. Absolutely incredible.
And I am absolutely positive that that had something to do with the next event, that of a friend calling me in tears because of problems she was dealing with. I went to her house, and we laid in the street and talked about everything for about an hour and a half. And that was all.
There was so much beauty in tonight, I can't even begin to describe or explain. It was the completely unexpected that showed me everything, that opened up something completely different within me. And it may have been one of the greatest lessons I've ever learned. And through all this, I know it was the way it was, and I am the way I am because of one person. I know I would never be able to think the way I do without them, without what they've done for me. And maybe I helped change the world for the good a little tonight. It all circles around in the end.
Monday, July 03, 2006
LBC
When you blame others, you give up your power to change. -Douglas Noel
Adams
One of the most time-consuming things is to have an enemy. -E.B. White,
writer (1899-1985)
Not ignorance, but ignorance of ignorance, is the death of knowledge.
-Alfred North Whitehead, mathematician and philosopher (1861-1947)
A man who uses a great many words to express his meaning is like a bad
marksman who, instead of aiming a single stone at an object, takes up
a handful and throws at it in hopes he may hit. -Samuel Johnson,
lexicographer (1709-1784)
It is not bigotry to be certain we are right; but it is bigotry to be
unable to imagine how we might possibly have gone wrong. -G.K. Chesterton,
essayist and novelist (1874-1936)
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by
bolts of lightning. -Bill Watterson, comic strip artist (1958- ), in his
comic strip Calvin & Hobbes
For God's sake don't say yes until I've finished talking. -Darryl F.
Zanuck, movie producer, director, and actor (1902-1979)
Count no day lost in which you waited your turn, took only your share and
sought advantage over no one. -Robert Brault
One of my greatest pleasures in writing has come from the thought that
perhaps my work might annoy someone of comfortably pretentious position.
Then comes the saddening realization that such people rarely read. -John
Kenneth Galbraith, economist (1908-2006)
It takes a certain maturity of mind to accept that nature works as steadily
in rust as in rose petals. -Esther Warner Dendel, writer and artist
(1910-2002)
The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that
which must also make you lonely. -Lorraine Hansberry, playwright and
painter (1930-1965)
Two months and a day have passed, ample time for me to gather thoughts. Or forget them. Funny thing is, I'm usually extremely passionate when writing an entry, which is usually what compels me to write it. For awhile now, I've just been flatlining - that constant, never changing beep on a heart monitor. But when I read over older posts, I don't feel as strongly about it as I did at the time, so this will be a recollection, if nothing else.
Out running errands, my mom stopped to run in and buy a few quick things at the grocery store while my grandma and I stayed out in the van. The conversation somehow leaned toward my future, and she asked me where I wanted to go to college. "Well, Mom keeps saying that I need to stay here and go to Mizzou, but I don't want to. I want to get away, I'd still like to go to USC." "Well, I'd like it if you'd stay here and go to Mizzou." And instantly, that choked-up, tears-welling feeling hit me. It was just the way she looked at me, the way she said it, and once again, I find myself well moistened in the ocular area. I've thought about it, but I've never really thought about it. As much as mother has mentioned and suggested, it just took that one comment from my grandma to make me reconsider everything. And that's the reason I can't imagine leaving, while something is telling me to leave. I've gotten advice again and again to do what I want deep down, to do it for myself, but then there are things telling me to stay.
"Making connections with people is the hardest thing in the world. Relationships are so difficult to establish..." Adam got me thinking, once again, at the concert. Just how much difficulty he's had with his relationships, yet he's made something beautiful out of it. People don't often look below the surface, they take things at face value, when really, there's quite a bit more to it. Knowing what's inside, I can honestly say that I may have the same problem. Not being that I can't make connections with people, but that I don't find what I'm looking for. I never really understood "trust no one" until I found out for myself. Everything's been downhill since. It had been similar in other situations, but I guess it was just that particular time that I realized its meaning. Then there's more. Relationships where you're being used but don't want to believe it, even though it's right there in front of you. (Speak of the devil. Phone call at 1 am) And it must be my fault, in part, because I forget so much. And in this process of forgetting causes it to hurt a lot less, therfore, I forget it completely. If rememberance does happen, it conveys none of the feelings that I felt before, so I go on as if nothing happened. My fault? Possibly. For putting up with it, allowing it to go on. But the end is near, if not already. And it's a wonder that I put up with people at all. I wonder...is it only these certain people around me? Or would it be the same anywhere? It's got to be better somewhere. There've got to be people that actually care. That actually see. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm making life way too difficult.
Reading Miss American Pie, Margaret Sartor's diary from the 70's brought up even more interior consideration. Continuing with where I left off above, it would be so easy to just take everything, be shallow. So easy. And I believe that's what most people do. So, why then, do I always look at things so deeply? Answers are never found, usually only disappointment. But for some reason, shallowness just doesn't come easily. And I haven't decided whether or not I'd want it to.
And somewhere along in all this mess, love also makes its presence known. Brought up in a conversation I had recently and having mulled over it for a few days, I've realized that, other than family, there are very few people that I actually love. For reasons obvious. But very few people, nontheless. I suppose that I consider it something incredibly important, and I find it nowhere. Can't say that I look for it because I know I'm not going to find it, but more than anything, I believe it to be a connection found hardly ever, and when it is, it should be acknowledged. It's what people long for, search for, and few people ever find. Maybe I'm looking at it too seriously, but again, that's just how it happens. (Goodnight Elizabeth is playing on shuffle...odd...)
I was reading at my grandma's house (dad's mom) last week because we were over there for my aunt's birthday, and there was a lull in which I decided to take advantage of the couch. I started to read and enjoyed it, but exhaustion set in, and I literally fell asleep with my nose in a book. Funny thing is, I absolutely adore the smell of books. Especially if they're old. Just a moment that doesn't come around too often.
Once again...questions rise and answers fall, insurmountable.
Mixing the light into grey
The young can lose hope
Sometimes life don't leave me alone...
Is this just another day,... this God forgotten place?
First comes love, then comes pain. let the games begin,...
Questions rise and answers fall,... insurmountable.
Love boat captain
Take the reigns and steer us towards the clear,... here.
Its already been sung, but it cant be said enough.
All you need is love
Is this just another phase? earthquakes making waves,...
Trying to shake the cancer off? stupid human beings,...
Once you hold the hand of love,.. its all surmountable.
Hold me, and make it the truth,...
That when all is lost there will be you,...
Cause to the universe I dont mean a thing
And theres just one word I still believe
And its
Its an art to live with pain,... mix the light into grey,..
Lost 9 friends well never know,.. 2 years ago today
And if our lives became too long, would it add to our regret?
And the young, they can lose hope cause they cant see beyond today,...
The wisdom that the old cant give away
Hey,...
Constant recoil...
Sometimes life
Dont leave you alone.
Hold me, and make it the truth,...
That when all is lost there will be you.
Cause to the universe I dont mean a thing
And theres just one word that I still believe and its
Love,... love. love. love. love.
Love boat captain
Take the reigns,.. steer us towards the clear.
I know its already been sung,... cant be said enough.
Love is all you need,.. all you need is love,..
Love,.. love,...
Love.
Adams
One of the most time-consuming things is to have an enemy. -E.B. White,
writer (1899-1985)
Not ignorance, but ignorance of ignorance, is the death of knowledge.
-Alfred North Whitehead, mathematician and philosopher (1861-1947)
A man who uses a great many words to express his meaning is like a bad
marksman who, instead of aiming a single stone at an object, takes up
a handful and throws at it in hopes he may hit. -Samuel Johnson,
lexicographer (1709-1784)
It is not bigotry to be certain we are right; but it is bigotry to be
unable to imagine how we might possibly have gone wrong. -G.K. Chesterton,
essayist and novelist (1874-1936)
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by
bolts of lightning. -Bill Watterson, comic strip artist (1958- ), in his
comic strip Calvin & Hobbes
For God's sake don't say yes until I've finished talking. -Darryl F.
Zanuck, movie producer, director, and actor (1902-1979)
Count no day lost in which you waited your turn, took only your share and
sought advantage over no one. -Robert Brault
One of my greatest pleasures in writing has come from the thought that
perhaps my work might annoy someone of comfortably pretentious position.
Then comes the saddening realization that such people rarely read. -John
Kenneth Galbraith, economist (1908-2006)
It takes a certain maturity of mind to accept that nature works as steadily
in rust as in rose petals. -Esther Warner Dendel, writer and artist
(1910-2002)
The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that
which must also make you lonely. -Lorraine Hansberry, playwright and
painter (1930-1965)
Two months and a day have passed, ample time for me to gather thoughts. Or forget them. Funny thing is, I'm usually extremely passionate when writing an entry, which is usually what compels me to write it. For awhile now, I've just been flatlining - that constant, never changing beep on a heart monitor. But when I read over older posts, I don't feel as strongly about it as I did at the time, so this will be a recollection, if nothing else.
Out running errands, my mom stopped to run in and buy a few quick things at the grocery store while my grandma and I stayed out in the van. The conversation somehow leaned toward my future, and she asked me where I wanted to go to college. "Well, Mom keeps saying that I need to stay here and go to Mizzou, but I don't want to. I want to get away, I'd still like to go to USC." "Well, I'd like it if you'd stay here and go to Mizzou." And instantly, that choked-up, tears-welling feeling hit me. It was just the way she looked at me, the way she said it, and once again, I find myself well moistened in the ocular area. I've thought about it, but I've never really thought about it. As much as mother has mentioned and suggested, it just took that one comment from my grandma to make me reconsider everything. And that's the reason I can't imagine leaving, while something is telling me to leave. I've gotten advice again and again to do what I want deep down, to do it for myself, but then there are things telling me to stay.
"Making connections with people is the hardest thing in the world. Relationships are so difficult to establish..." Adam got me thinking, once again, at the concert. Just how much difficulty he's had with his relationships, yet he's made something beautiful out of it. People don't often look below the surface, they take things at face value, when really, there's quite a bit more to it. Knowing what's inside, I can honestly say that I may have the same problem. Not being that I can't make connections with people, but that I don't find what I'm looking for. I never really understood "trust no one" until I found out for myself. Everything's been downhill since. It had been similar in other situations, but I guess it was just that particular time that I realized its meaning. Then there's more. Relationships where you're being used but don't want to believe it, even though it's right there in front of you. (Speak of the devil. Phone call at 1 am) And it must be my fault, in part, because I forget so much. And in this process of forgetting causes it to hurt a lot less, therfore, I forget it completely. If rememberance does happen, it conveys none of the feelings that I felt before, so I go on as if nothing happened. My fault? Possibly. For putting up with it, allowing it to go on. But the end is near, if not already. And it's a wonder that I put up with people at all. I wonder...is it only these certain people around me? Or would it be the same anywhere? It's got to be better somewhere. There've got to be people that actually care. That actually see. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm making life way too difficult.
Reading Miss American Pie, Margaret Sartor's diary from the 70's brought up even more interior consideration. Continuing with where I left off above, it would be so easy to just take everything, be shallow. So easy. And I believe that's what most people do. So, why then, do I always look at things so deeply? Answers are never found, usually only disappointment. But for some reason, shallowness just doesn't come easily. And I haven't decided whether or not I'd want it to.
And somewhere along in all this mess, love also makes its presence known. Brought up in a conversation I had recently and having mulled over it for a few days, I've realized that, other than family, there are very few people that I actually love. For reasons obvious. But very few people, nontheless. I suppose that I consider it something incredibly important, and I find it nowhere. Can't say that I look for it because I know I'm not going to find it, but more than anything, I believe it to be a connection found hardly ever, and when it is, it should be acknowledged. It's what people long for, search for, and few people ever find. Maybe I'm looking at it too seriously, but again, that's just how it happens. (Goodnight Elizabeth is playing on shuffle...odd...)
I was reading at my grandma's house (dad's mom) last week because we were over there for my aunt's birthday, and there was a lull in which I decided to take advantage of the couch. I started to read and enjoyed it, but exhaustion set in, and I literally fell asleep with my nose in a book. Funny thing is, I absolutely adore the smell of books. Especially if they're old. Just a moment that doesn't come around too often.
Once again...questions rise and answers fall, insurmountable.
Mixing the light into grey
The young can lose hope
Sometimes life don't leave me alone...
Is this just another day,... this God forgotten place?
First comes love, then comes pain. let the games begin,...
Questions rise and answers fall,... insurmountable.
Love boat captain
Take the reigns and steer us towards the clear,... here.
Its already been sung, but it cant be said enough.
All you need is love
Is this just another phase? earthquakes making waves,...
Trying to shake the cancer off? stupid human beings,...
Once you hold the hand of love,.. its all surmountable.
Hold me, and make it the truth,...
That when all is lost there will be you,...
Cause to the universe I dont mean a thing
And theres just one word I still believe
And its
Its an art to live with pain,... mix the light into grey,..
Lost 9 friends well never know,.. 2 years ago today
And if our lives became too long, would it add to our regret?
And the young, they can lose hope cause they cant see beyond today,...
The wisdom that the old cant give away
Hey,...
Constant recoil...
Sometimes life
Dont leave you alone.
Hold me, and make it the truth,...
That when all is lost there will be you.
Cause to the universe I dont mean a thing
And theres just one word that I still believe and its
Love,... love. love. love. love.
Love boat captain
Take the reigns,.. steer us towards the clear.
I know its already been sung,... cant be said enough.
Love is all you need,.. all you need is love,..
Love,.. love,...
Love.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
All My Friends
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone
to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life. -Mark Twain, author
and humorist (1835-1910)
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. -Leonard
Cohen, musician (1934- ) (By the way, Leonard Cohen is incredible)
We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the
same. -Carlos Castenada, mystic and author (1925-1998)
I found one day in school a boy of medium size ill-treating a smaller boy.
I expostulated, but he replied: 'The bigs hit me, so I hit the babies;
that's fair.' In these words he epitomized the history of the human race.
-Bertrand Russell, philosopher, mathematician, and author (1872-1970)
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and
that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all. -Ogden Nash,
author (1902-1971)
Most truths are so naked that people feel sorry for them and cover them up,
at least a little bit. -Edward R. Murrow, journalist (1908-1965)
Flattery is like chewing gum. Enjoy it but don't swallow it. -Hank Ketcham,
comic artist (1920-2001)
Words are also actions, and actions are a kind of words. -Ralph Waldo
Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)
Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity. -Horace
Mann, educational reformer (1796-1859)
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)
Once you label me you negate me. -Soren Kierkegaard, philosopher
(1813-1855)
The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the
revolution. -Hannah Arendt, historian and philosopher (1906-1975)
Look into any man's heart you please, and you will always find, in every
one, at least one black spot which he has to keep concealed. -Henrik Ibsen,
playwright (1828-1906)
We shall succeed only so far as we continue that most distasteful of all
activity, the intolerable labor of thought. -Learned Hand, jurist
(1872-1961)
Civilizations in decline are consistently characterised by a tendency
towards standardization and uniformity. -Arnold Toynbee, historian
(1889-1975)
You will find relief from vain fancies if you do every act in life as
though it were your last. -Marcus Aurelius, philosopher and writer
(121-180)
Think like a wise man but communicate in the language of the people.
-William Butler Yeats, poet, dramatist, essayist, Nobel laureate (1865-1939)
(I have yet to master the latter...)
So there's a lot hanging around in my mess of a mind. A lot. And chances are I'll forget stuff, but the best will be attempted.
Where to start, where to start?
Which thoughts came about first, I suppose. Went to the Relay for Life with my mother and then met up with my aunt and cousin (even saw my sister who's been AWOL with Claire the entire summer) and ended up going to breakfast(?) (it was 1 AM) with them (my aunt, cousin, mother, and myself) at Country Kitchen. My cousin is a teacher, and somehow we got on the subject of her first-graders, what problems some of them are, and how she's teaching summer school, etc. Then we started talking about what's been in the news lately about parents abusing their children and a specific case from around here where the parents forced their son in a scalding shower and left him there because he had a "bad day" at school. It turns out that my cousin had him in her class. She said that after the parents had done that, they put a sign on their door that said the house was quarantined because the boy had chicken pox. Finally, his burns became so infected that a month later, they finally took him to the doctor. She said that he had to wear a full body suit to school every day and that he had to be put to sleep just to have his hair cut because the scabs from the burns were so bad. And everytime it rained outside at recess, he would start screaming because it reminded him of the shower. I can't even fathom. It just makes me incredibly sick, and I think about it every single time the water is hot when I wash my hands. I can't even begin to imagine what the parents were thinking or what that boy has to go through every single day of his life. And that got me thinking about social workers and what hells they must have to experience just seeing these things. They do all they can for the children, but once they are finished, there's nothing more they can do, and the child may be in the same situation as before. And these people most likely don't make any money at all. It's just a completely crazy world we live in.
For a little topic change, it's funny (strange-funny) how differently I look at things. And how I see other people and how they view things. I just don't understand why people aren't more open/free thinkers. I will admit, that at a point in time, I was incredibly close-minded about just about everything. But since then, there's so much to consider and so much to think about. I honestly don't think that there is only one correct answer to any problem or question. In anything. And I do not enjoy being in the company of people who feel that there is only one possible solution. There's no room for discussion. But more than anything, it's just the fact that they are unwilling to listen. That's really all it amounts to. To at least consider. The world would be a different place.
Lastly, I believe, "Last Kiss" has just really upset me lately. What's the story behind it? It reminds me of "Jeremy" as far as the subject matter, and it's really not a pleasant one. I guess "Last Kiss" is just a little too surreal, and I really don't know why Ed would want to sing about it?
Other than that, I guess there's not too much else.
So, she's suddenly beautiful
And we all want something beautiful
Man, I wish I was beautiful
"Mr. Jones" in its entirety about sums up the rest.
And "All My Friends". Someday, I'll write a paper about it.
Thought I might get a rocket ride
When I was a child but it was a lie
That I told myself when I needed something good
At 17 had a better dream
Now I'm 33 and it isn't me
But I'd think of something better if I could
All my friends and lovers leave me behind
I'm still looking for a girl
One way or another
I'm just hoping to find a way
To put my feet out in the world
Caught some grief from a falling leaf
As she tumbled to the dirty ground
Said I should have put her back there if I could
But everyone needs a better day
And I'm trying to find me a better way
To get from the things I do to the things I should
All my friends and lovers leave me alone
To try to have a little fun
One way or another I just wish I had known
To go out walking in the sun
To find out if you were the one
All you want is a beauty queen
Not a superstar but everybody's dream machine
All you want is a place to lay your head
You go to sleep dreamin how you would
Be a different kind if you thought you could
But you come awake the way you are instead
All my friends and lovers shine like the sun
I just turn and walk away
One way or another
I'm not comin undone
I'm just waiting for the day
to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life. -Mark Twain, author
and humorist (1835-1910)
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in. -Leonard
Cohen, musician (1934- ) (By the way, Leonard Cohen is incredible)
We either make ourselves happy or miserable. The amount of work is the
same. -Carlos Castenada, mystic and author (1925-1998)
I found one day in school a boy of medium size ill-treating a smaller boy.
I expostulated, but he replied: 'The bigs hit me, so I hit the babies;
that's fair.' In these words he epitomized the history of the human race.
-Bertrand Russell, philosopher, mathematician, and author (1872-1970)
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and
that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all. -Ogden Nash,
author (1902-1971)
Most truths are so naked that people feel sorry for them and cover them up,
at least a little bit. -Edward R. Murrow, journalist (1908-1965)
Flattery is like chewing gum. Enjoy it but don't swallow it. -Hank Ketcham,
comic artist (1920-2001)
Words are also actions, and actions are a kind of words. -Ralph Waldo
Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)
Be ashamed to die until you have won some victory for humanity. -Horace
Mann, educational reformer (1796-1859)
The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)
Once you label me you negate me. -Soren Kierkegaard, philosopher
(1813-1855)
The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the
revolution. -Hannah Arendt, historian and philosopher (1906-1975)
Look into any man's heart you please, and you will always find, in every
one, at least one black spot which he has to keep concealed. -Henrik Ibsen,
playwright (1828-1906)
We shall succeed only so far as we continue that most distasteful of all
activity, the intolerable labor of thought. -Learned Hand, jurist
(1872-1961)
Civilizations in decline are consistently characterised by a tendency
towards standardization and uniformity. -Arnold Toynbee, historian
(1889-1975)
You will find relief from vain fancies if you do every act in life as
though it were your last. -Marcus Aurelius, philosopher and writer
(121-180)
Think like a wise man but communicate in the language of the people.
-William Butler Yeats, poet, dramatist, essayist, Nobel laureate (1865-1939)
(I have yet to master the latter...)
So there's a lot hanging around in my mess of a mind. A lot. And chances are I'll forget stuff, but the best will be attempted.
Where to start, where to start?
Which thoughts came about first, I suppose. Went to the Relay for Life with my mother and then met up with my aunt and cousin (even saw my sister who's been AWOL with Claire the entire summer) and ended up going to breakfast(?) (it was 1 AM) with them (my aunt, cousin, mother, and myself) at Country Kitchen. My cousin is a teacher, and somehow we got on the subject of her first-graders, what problems some of them are, and how she's teaching summer school, etc. Then we started talking about what's been in the news lately about parents abusing their children and a specific case from around here where the parents forced their son in a scalding shower and left him there because he had a "bad day" at school. It turns out that my cousin had him in her class. She said that after the parents had done that, they put a sign on their door that said the house was quarantined because the boy had chicken pox. Finally, his burns became so infected that a month later, they finally took him to the doctor. She said that he had to wear a full body suit to school every day and that he had to be put to sleep just to have his hair cut because the scabs from the burns were so bad. And everytime it rained outside at recess, he would start screaming because it reminded him of the shower. I can't even fathom. It just makes me incredibly sick, and I think about it every single time the water is hot when I wash my hands. I can't even begin to imagine what the parents were thinking or what that boy has to go through every single day of his life. And that got me thinking about social workers and what hells they must have to experience just seeing these things. They do all they can for the children, but once they are finished, there's nothing more they can do, and the child may be in the same situation as before. And these people most likely don't make any money at all. It's just a completely crazy world we live in.
For a little topic change, it's funny (strange-funny) how differently I look at things. And how I see other people and how they view things. I just don't understand why people aren't more open/free thinkers. I will admit, that at a point in time, I was incredibly close-minded about just about everything. But since then, there's so much to consider and so much to think about. I honestly don't think that there is only one correct answer to any problem or question. In anything. And I do not enjoy being in the company of people who feel that there is only one possible solution. There's no room for discussion. But more than anything, it's just the fact that they are unwilling to listen. That's really all it amounts to. To at least consider. The world would be a different place.
Lastly, I believe, "Last Kiss" has just really upset me lately. What's the story behind it? It reminds me of "Jeremy" as far as the subject matter, and it's really not a pleasant one. I guess "Last Kiss" is just a little too surreal, and I really don't know why Ed would want to sing about it?
Other than that, I guess there's not too much else.
So, she's suddenly beautiful
And we all want something beautiful
Man, I wish I was beautiful
"Mr. Jones" in its entirety about sums up the rest.
And "All My Friends". Someday, I'll write a paper about it.
Thought I might get a rocket ride
When I was a child but it was a lie
That I told myself when I needed something good
At 17 had a better dream
Now I'm 33 and it isn't me
But I'd think of something better if I could
All my friends and lovers leave me behind
I'm still looking for a girl
One way or another
I'm just hoping to find a way
To put my feet out in the world
Caught some grief from a falling leaf
As she tumbled to the dirty ground
Said I should have put her back there if I could
But everyone needs a better day
And I'm trying to find me a better way
To get from the things I do to the things I should
All my friends and lovers leave me alone
To try to have a little fun
One way or another I just wish I had known
To go out walking in the sun
To find out if you were the one
All you want is a beauty queen
Not a superstar but everybody's dream machine
All you want is a place to lay your head
You go to sleep dreamin how you would
Be a different kind if you thought you could
But you come awake the way you are instead
All my friends and lovers shine like the sun
I just turn and walk away
One way or another
I'm not comin undone
I'm just waiting for the day
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Here's to the Night
When work is a pleasure, life is a joy! When work is a duty, life is
slavery. -Maxim Gorky, author (1868-1936)
There are years that ask questions and years that answer. -Zora Neale
Hurston, folklorist and writer (1891-1960)
Permanent good can never be the outcome of untruth and violence. -Mahatma
Gandhi (1869-1948)
Kindness is not without its rocks ahead. People are apt to put it down to
an easy temper and seldom recognize it as the secret striving of a generous
nature; whilst, on the other hand, the ill-natured get credit for all the
evil they refrain from. -Honore De Balzac, novelist (1799-1850)
When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know
peace. -Jimi Hendrix, musician, singer, and songwriter (1942-1970)
So, again, in and out of the deep-blogging mood. We shall see what will come of it.
Things have been rather bland, but maybe it's because I've just become accepting of certain things. And I really do find humor in almost everything. It's just these random "deep-blogging" moods that I look closer and wander around in my mind a bit.
Tonight, here's the thought: What exactly am I afraid of? Myself?
There's a quote that I can't look for now because I'm already short on time, but it's something along the lines of "The only thing we really fear is our own greatness" or "The only reason we fail is because we deny our greatness" or something like that. It may hold some truth. But isn't there a point when reality must be faced? A point when a decision must be reached that will affect so much, but in the end it must be made? And is this "denying your greatness" or simply realizing that it was anything but greatness? I suppose the reason decisions are so difficult is that there is no way of knowing the outcome. Sure, it can be guessed, predicted, estimated, but that could be far from what will actually take place. And that's scary for me. All these huge decisions when there are so many choices and so many possibilities. Funny (in an ironic way) that I'm complaining about having so many possiblities, now that I hear myself say it. But again, there is never a happy medium. With anything. Does that make me weak, for not being able to make decisions, or strong, for exploring all options first?
I have to deal with stupid people every day, and it's gotten to the point where it doesn't even phase me anymore. It's just funny, I guess. Especially people who are only nice to your face. I don't quite understand.
And lastly, fittingly, I thought about how all things come to an end. Sad, really. It's either too soon or can't happen soon enough. Where is the gray area?!? I only hope that some things will stay with me...
So denied, so I lied
Are you the now or never kind?
In a day and a day love
I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had?
Are you cool with just tonight?
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Put your name on the line
Along with place and time
Want to stay, not to go, I want to ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon
All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Too soon
Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon
slavery. -Maxim Gorky, author (1868-1936)
There are years that ask questions and years that answer. -Zora Neale
Hurston, folklorist and writer (1891-1960)
Permanent good can never be the outcome of untruth and violence. -Mahatma
Gandhi (1869-1948)
Kindness is not without its rocks ahead. People are apt to put it down to
an easy temper and seldom recognize it as the secret striving of a generous
nature; whilst, on the other hand, the ill-natured get credit for all the
evil they refrain from. -Honore De Balzac, novelist (1799-1850)
When the power of love overcomes the love of power the world will know
peace. -Jimi Hendrix, musician, singer, and songwriter (1942-1970)
So, again, in and out of the deep-blogging mood. We shall see what will come of it.
Things have been rather bland, but maybe it's because I've just become accepting of certain things. And I really do find humor in almost everything. It's just these random "deep-blogging" moods that I look closer and wander around in my mind a bit.
Tonight, here's the thought: What exactly am I afraid of? Myself?
There's a quote that I can't look for now because I'm already short on time, but it's something along the lines of "The only thing we really fear is our own greatness" or "The only reason we fail is because we deny our greatness" or something like that. It may hold some truth. But isn't there a point when reality must be faced? A point when a decision must be reached that will affect so much, but in the end it must be made? And is this "denying your greatness" or simply realizing that it was anything but greatness? I suppose the reason decisions are so difficult is that there is no way of knowing the outcome. Sure, it can be guessed, predicted, estimated, but that could be far from what will actually take place. And that's scary for me. All these huge decisions when there are so many choices and so many possibilities. Funny (in an ironic way) that I'm complaining about having so many possiblities, now that I hear myself say it. But again, there is never a happy medium. With anything. Does that make me weak, for not being able to make decisions, or strong, for exploring all options first?
I have to deal with stupid people every day, and it's gotten to the point where it doesn't even phase me anymore. It's just funny, I guess. Especially people who are only nice to your face. I don't quite understand.
And lastly, fittingly, I thought about how all things come to an end. Sad, really. It's either too soon or can't happen soon enough. Where is the gray area?!? I only hope that some things will stay with me...
So denied, so I lied
Are you the now or never kind?
In a day and a day love
I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had?
Are you cool with just tonight?
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Put your name on the line
Along with place and time
Want to stay, not to go, I want to ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon
All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye, tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Too soon
Here's to the night we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Name
The question why there is evil in existence is the same as why there is
imperfection... But this is the real question we ought to ask: Is this
imperfection the final truth, is evil absolute and ultimate? -Rabindranath
Tagore, poet, philosopher, author, songwriter, painter, educator, composer,
Nobel laureate (1861-1941)
The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is
your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once
in a while and watch your answers change. -Richard Bach, writer (1936- )
Both those quotes are profound. I like them. And I'd really like to have all those titles after my name like Mr. Rabindranath...but he's not alive any more, so in the pessimistic view of things, no matter what you end up accomplishing while alive, you're still going to end up dead, no matter how long of a list follows your name. Wow, that was morbid. Hmmm.
Well, I was in the mood to post earlier, and now I've kind of strayed from it. Usually I feel like writing when something greatly upsets me or hangs around in my head to long, or something of the sort. But I'm rather happy right now. The weather was beautiful today. And I did absolutely nothing, which really doesn't bother me in the least. I enjoy relaxation and would probably die without it. Or terrible stress, which does happen. So I deem this an "Amy Day".
Things are stirring. Big things. Big decisions. Hanging in the balance. Not much longer now. But waiting it out, just to be sure.
After awhile, I've realized, there are things that you have to do for yourself. After all, what is a life lived according to others?
Things change.
The majority of what is going on is good.
Much of the same.
Confusion sets in, as it often comes and goes. What to say? Too much or too little? Where is the in-between, the understanding? I cannot often understand myself, let alone what is around me. How to act or react. Is it completely absurd, or even selfish? I only wish I knew...
And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name
imperfection... But this is the real question we ought to ask: Is this
imperfection the final truth, is evil absolute and ultimate? -Rabindranath
Tagore, poet, philosopher, author, songwriter, painter, educator, composer,
Nobel laureate (1861-1941)
The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is
your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once
in a while and watch your answers change. -Richard Bach, writer (1936- )
Both those quotes are profound. I like them. And I'd really like to have all those titles after my name like Mr. Rabindranath...but he's not alive any more, so in the pessimistic view of things, no matter what you end up accomplishing while alive, you're still going to end up dead, no matter how long of a list follows your name. Wow, that was morbid. Hmmm.
Well, I was in the mood to post earlier, and now I've kind of strayed from it. Usually I feel like writing when something greatly upsets me or hangs around in my head to long, or something of the sort. But I'm rather happy right now. The weather was beautiful today. And I did absolutely nothing, which really doesn't bother me in the least. I enjoy relaxation and would probably die without it. Or terrible stress, which does happen. So I deem this an "Amy Day".
Things are stirring. Big things. Big decisions. Hanging in the balance. Not much longer now. But waiting it out, just to be sure.
After awhile, I've realized, there are things that you have to do for yourself. After all, what is a life lived according to others?
Things change.
The majority of what is going on is good.
Much of the same.
Confusion sets in, as it often comes and goes. What to say? Too much or too little? Where is the in-between, the understanding? I cannot often understand myself, let alone what is around me. How to act or react. Is it completely absurd, or even selfish? I only wish I knew...
And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away
And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are
You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name
I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name
Sunday, April 16, 2006
5 days
You must accept the truth from whatever source it comes. -Moses ben Maimon,
philosopher (1135-1204)
The river does not swell with clear water. -Italian proverb
Experience makes us see an enormous difference between piety and goodness.
-Blaise Pascal, philosopher and mathematician (1623-1662)
Whenever anyone has offended me, I try to raise my soul so high that the
offense cannot reach it. -Rene Descartes, philosopher and mathematician
(1596-1650)
A different language is a different vision of life. -Federico Fellini, film
director and writer (1920-1993)
The firmest fayth is found in fewest woordes. -Edward Dyer, courtier and
poet (c. 1540-1607)
The horse is not judged by the saddle. -German proverb
Rare is the person who can weigh the faults of others without putting his
thumb on the scales. -Byron J. Langenfeld
War loses a great deal of romance after a soldier has seen his first
battle. -John Singleton Mosby, confederate colonel in the American Civil
War (1833-1916)
Language is more fashion than science, and matters of usage, spelling and
pronunciation tend to wander around like hemlines. -Bill Bryson, author
(1951- )
Wandering from the usual format of my posts, instead of using a song, I'd like to take the time to say that I'M GOING TO SEE COUNTING CROWS IN A MERE 5 DAYS!!! Wow. I'm extremely excited. Even though I didn't buy the $75 VIP ticket (which benefited a local hospital), hopefully we'll still get good seats. That was all the fajah's fault. He said, "I wouldn't pay $100 to see Jimi Hendrix play if he came back from the dead." I would. And I don't even have very much of his stuff. Oh well. Hopefully we'll get good tickets to Counting Crows and Goo Goo Dolls when they finally decide to release their tour dates. Pearl Jam was on SNL last night. I'm glad Eddie has long hair and a beard again. It just looks better. And, I imagine, it gets his creative juices/performances flowing a lot better...just a theory. Can't wait to see Adam. And John when he decides to come around these parts. Daaang.
Hmmm...life's been happening a lot lately. Kinda crazy. It seems like I hardly see anyone anymore. Last year, it seemed like I saw everyone. Now I just only see the people in my classes and it's upsetting. This break has been dang crazy...Thursday night, I spent the night with Evelyn and got a minimal amount of sleep, then went to Co-Town with Mom and Wen. Saturday was Quincy, and today was Easter. I fell asleep in church. Oops. I'm so tired. But, anyway, I guess some things really never change. Inside of me, anyway. Things have changed, but the core is still there. I just realized how tired I really am. I don't even feel like typing. I'm gonna take a nap. Maybe more later.
5 Days
philosopher (1135-1204)
The river does not swell with clear water. -Italian proverb
Experience makes us see an enormous difference between piety and goodness.
-Blaise Pascal, philosopher and mathematician (1623-1662)
Whenever anyone has offended me, I try to raise my soul so high that the
offense cannot reach it. -Rene Descartes, philosopher and mathematician
(1596-1650)
A different language is a different vision of life. -Federico Fellini, film
director and writer (1920-1993)
The firmest fayth is found in fewest woordes. -Edward Dyer, courtier and
poet (c. 1540-1607)
The horse is not judged by the saddle. -German proverb
Rare is the person who can weigh the faults of others without putting his
thumb on the scales. -Byron J. Langenfeld
War loses a great deal of romance after a soldier has seen his first
battle. -John Singleton Mosby, confederate colonel in the American Civil
War (1833-1916)
Language is more fashion than science, and matters of usage, spelling and
pronunciation tend to wander around like hemlines. -Bill Bryson, author
(1951- )
Wandering from the usual format of my posts, instead of using a song, I'd like to take the time to say that I'M GOING TO SEE COUNTING CROWS IN A MERE 5 DAYS!!! Wow. I'm extremely excited. Even though I didn't buy the $75 VIP ticket (which benefited a local hospital), hopefully we'll still get good seats. That was all the fajah's fault. He said, "I wouldn't pay $100 to see Jimi Hendrix play if he came back from the dead." I would. And I don't even have very much of his stuff. Oh well. Hopefully we'll get good tickets to Counting Crows and Goo Goo Dolls when they finally decide to release their tour dates. Pearl Jam was on SNL last night. I'm glad Eddie has long hair and a beard again. It just looks better. And, I imagine, it gets his creative juices/performances flowing a lot better...just a theory. Can't wait to see Adam. And John when he decides to come around these parts. Daaang.
Hmmm...life's been happening a lot lately. Kinda crazy. It seems like I hardly see anyone anymore. Last year, it seemed like I saw everyone. Now I just only see the people in my classes and it's upsetting. This break has been dang crazy...Thursday night, I spent the night with Evelyn and got a minimal amount of sleep, then went to Co-Town with Mom and Wen. Saturday was Quincy, and today was Easter. I fell asleep in church. Oops. I'm so tired. But, anyway, I guess some things really never change. Inside of me, anyway. Things have changed, but the core is still there. I just realized how tired I really am. I don't even feel like typing. I'm gonna take a nap. Maybe more later.
5 Days
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Black Hole Sun
The best politics is right action. -Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)
Take long walks in stormy weather or through deep snows in the fields and
woods, if you would keep your spirits up. Deal with brute nature. Be cold
and hungry and weary. -Henry David Thoreau, naturalist and author
(1817-1862)
Write with nouns and verbs, not with adjectives and adverbs. The adjective
hasn't been built that can pull a weak or inaccurate noun out of a tight
place. -William Strunk and E.B. White, authors of The Elements of Style
We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to
do, and more in the light of what they suffer. -Dietrich Bonhoeffer,
theologian and writer (1906-1945)
There wouldn't be such a thing as counterfeit gold if there were no real
gold somewhere. -Sufi proverb
The writing of a poem is like a child throwing stones into a mineshaft. You
compose first, then you listen for the reverberation. -James Fenton, poet
and professor (1949- )
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the
edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center. -Kurt
Vonnegut, Jr., writer (1922- )
Be like the bird, who halting in his flight / On limb too slight, / Feels
it give way beneath him, yet sings / Knowing he has wings. -Victor Hugo,
writer (1802-1885)
Once upon a time a man whose ax was missing suspected his neighbor's son.
The boy walked like a thief, looked like a thief, and spoke like a thief.
But the man found his ax while digging in the valley, and the next time he
saw his neighbor's son, the boy walked, looked and spoke like any other
child. -Lao-tzu, philosopher (6th century BCE)
Poetry is truth in its Sunday clothes. -Joseph Roux, priest and writer
(1834-1886)
Good books don't give up all their secrets at once. -Stephen King, novelist
(1947- )
All those are great ones. I especially liked the one about writing with verbs and nouns, just because I'm sick of all this writing in Honors. And the other I bolded, well, it's just a great one. Reminds me of this spot on the bluff above the river. It's incredible.
Lots happening lately, and I'm quite tired. Should be getting to bed rather soon.
Again, the stupidity of people never ceases to amaze me. Only this time it's immature boys, so what's to be expected? I actually find humor in it. I had this revelation of sorts tonight that I really don't have to please anyone. I guess before I was concerned about what other people thought. Not to the degree of obsession or anything, but you often look at yourself through someone else's point of view as to how they see you. You want to be liked. Well, I've realized that's just all overrated. Who do I have to impress and WHY? (There it is again...) But honestly, high school's going to be over soon enough, and then I'll have wondered why I worried about what other people thought. No use in that. It's just a waste of thought. So what if people don't like me or want to say stupid stuff behind my back? Down the road, it will make no difference. It won't make any difference what people said I was like or what I've done or that they can't stand to be around me. Honestly, it's just all fine and dandy. I guess you read about this kind of crap all the time about being your own person and all that, but it really just takes your own realization of it. It just hits you. And it's quite nice. I'm happy with my life and I enjoy the things I do. I like to laugh. Loudly. And I'll do it because I enjoy it. I'll say stupid stuff because that's who I am, and I'll embrace my "A.D.D." (as my friends say I have) because it's a part of me and who I am and it makes life a lot more interesting and random. So I'm just cool with myself as I've always been, but now it's fine with other people and what they think. There must be a reason they're even acknowledging me anyway, so I'll let them worry themselves about it. Life goes on.
So that was quite refreshing, especially after the night I've had. It was entertaining early on and nice when I got home, but then I tried to work on this video project for Spanish and I've been stressed out of my mind for about 3 hours straight. Stupid computers. Guess it's all solved, though, which is quite a relief.
I'm tired. Goodnight!
In my eyes
Indisposed
In disguise
As no one knows
Hides the face
Lies the snake
The sun
In my disgrace
Boiling heat
Summer stench
'Neath the black
The sky looks dead
Call my name
Through the cream
And I'll hear you
Scream again
Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come
Stuttering
Cold and damp
Steal the warm wind
Tired friend
Times are gone
For honest men
And sometimes
Far too long
For snakes
In my shoes
A walking sleep
And my youth
I pray to keep
Heaven send
Hell away
No one sings
Like you
Anymore
Hang my head
Drown my fear
Till you all just
Disappear
Take long walks in stormy weather or through deep snows in the fields and
woods, if you would keep your spirits up. Deal with brute nature. Be cold
and hungry and weary. -Henry David Thoreau, naturalist and author
(1817-1862)
Write with nouns and verbs, not with adjectives and adverbs. The adjective
hasn't been built that can pull a weak or inaccurate noun out of a tight
place. -William Strunk and E.B. White, authors of The Elements of Style
We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to
do, and more in the light of what they suffer. -Dietrich Bonhoeffer,
theologian and writer (1906-1945)
There wouldn't be such a thing as counterfeit gold if there were no real
gold somewhere. -Sufi proverb
The writing of a poem is like a child throwing stones into a mineshaft. You
compose first, then you listen for the reverberation. -James Fenton, poet
and professor (1949- )
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the
edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center. -Kurt
Vonnegut, Jr., writer (1922- )
Be like the bird, who halting in his flight / On limb too slight, / Feels
it give way beneath him, yet sings / Knowing he has wings. -Victor Hugo,
writer (1802-1885)
Once upon a time a man whose ax was missing suspected his neighbor's son.
The boy walked like a thief, looked like a thief, and spoke like a thief.
But the man found his ax while digging in the valley, and the next time he
saw his neighbor's son, the boy walked, looked and spoke like any other
child. -Lao-tzu, philosopher (6th century BCE)
Poetry is truth in its Sunday clothes. -Joseph Roux, priest and writer
(1834-1886)
Good books don't give up all their secrets at once. -Stephen King, novelist
(1947- )
All those are great ones. I especially liked the one about writing with verbs and nouns, just because I'm sick of all this writing in Honors. And the other I bolded, well, it's just a great one. Reminds me of this spot on the bluff above the river. It's incredible.
Lots happening lately, and I'm quite tired. Should be getting to bed rather soon.
Again, the stupidity of people never ceases to amaze me. Only this time it's immature boys, so what's to be expected? I actually find humor in it. I had this revelation of sorts tonight that I really don't have to please anyone. I guess before I was concerned about what other people thought. Not to the degree of obsession or anything, but you often look at yourself through someone else's point of view as to how they see you. You want to be liked. Well, I've realized that's just all overrated. Who do I have to impress and WHY? (There it is again...) But honestly, high school's going to be over soon enough, and then I'll have wondered why I worried about what other people thought. No use in that. It's just a waste of thought. So what if people don't like me or want to say stupid stuff behind my back? Down the road, it will make no difference. It won't make any difference what people said I was like or what I've done or that they can't stand to be around me. Honestly, it's just all fine and dandy. I guess you read about this kind of crap all the time about being your own person and all that, but it really just takes your own realization of it. It just hits you. And it's quite nice. I'm happy with my life and I enjoy the things I do. I like to laugh. Loudly. And I'll do it because I enjoy it. I'll say stupid stuff because that's who I am, and I'll embrace my "A.D.D." (as my friends say I have) because it's a part of me and who I am and it makes life a lot more interesting and random. So I'm just cool with myself as I've always been, but now it's fine with other people and what they think. There must be a reason they're even acknowledging me anyway, so I'll let them worry themselves about it. Life goes on.
So that was quite refreshing, especially after the night I've had. It was entertaining early on and nice when I got home, but then I tried to work on this video project for Spanish and I've been stressed out of my mind for about 3 hours straight. Stupid computers. Guess it's all solved, though, which is quite a relief.
I'm tired. Goodnight!
In my eyes
Indisposed
In disguise
As no one knows
Hides the face
Lies the snake
The sun
In my disgrace
Boiling heat
Summer stench
'Neath the black
The sky looks dead
Call my name
Through the cream
And I'll hear you
Scream again
Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come
Stuttering
Cold and damp
Steal the warm wind
Tired friend
Times are gone
For honest men
And sometimes
Far too long
For snakes
In my shoes
A walking sleep
And my youth
I pray to keep
Heaven send
Hell away
No one sings
Like you
Anymore
Hang my head
Drown my fear
Till you all just
Disappear
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Crazy Mary
For me, words are a form of action, capable of influencing change. -Ingrid
Bengis, writer and teacher (1944- )
Power always thinks it has a great soul and vast views beyond the
comprehension of the weak; and that it is doing God's service when it is
violating all his laws. -John Adams, 2nd US president (1735-1826)
People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of
foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools. -Alice Walker,
writer (1944- )
War, at first, is the hope that one will be better off; next, the
expectation that the other fellow will be worse off; then, the satisfaction
that he isn't any better off; and, finally, the surprise at everyone's
being worse off. -Karl Kraus, writer (1874-1936)
Half the truth is often a great lie. -Benjamin Franklin, statesman, author,
and inventor (1706-1790)
To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men. -Abraham
Lincoln, 16th US president (1809-1865)
Language is a city to the building of which every human being brought a
stone. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)
The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe. -Joanna Macy,
writer and teacher (1929- )
A man needs a little madness, or else he never dares cut the rope and be
free. -Nikos Kazantzakis, writer (1883-1957)
Let us face a pluralistic world in which there are no universal churches,
no single remedy for all diseases, no one way to teach or write or sing, no
magic diet, no world poets, and no chosen races, but only the wretched and
wonderfully diversified human race. -Jacques Barzun, professor and writer
(1907- )
My life is my message. -Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)
Great geniuses have the shortest biographies. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer
and philosopher (1803-1882)
The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. -Anne Morrow
Lindbergh, writer (1906-2001)
So this Reader's Theater nonsense is getting to me. The Insanity of Mary Girard...yes, I think about Crazy Mary every single day, but that's cool because I love the song. The performance is just draining. Oh well...we're performing on Friday, so I guess it can't be that terribly much longer. Districts in Camdenton at 1:35 on Friday, for those of you interested! Haha...
So Lent started today - Ash Wednesday. I didn't even know til this morning when Diana asked Cole what he was giving up for Lent...kinda an inside joke between them because they're both Catholic. Me being Lutheran, I don't have to give up anything, but it is a nice idea. It's funny how many people are trying to "give up" profanity. Me included, the little that I do. And crap food that I love. I made it one day!
I've just been extremely tired lately and lacking in just about everything. I really don't even have very hard classes, and yet I feel overloaded. Don't know how I'm gonna hack the AP stuff next year. Time will tell, I guess. I just don't see how those kids in Japan go at it. My 6th grade teacher taught in Japan for like 11 years and she said their workload is unbelieveable. They go to libraries every day after school to study or even take extra classes. I guess like Señor Ratliff said, they don't have school sports in other countries.
Speaking of sports, I just don't know what is up with me lately. I need a "mental health day" or something. I just need to get it together. It's bad. Something's missing or just not quite right. I guess my mind is getting weak? Or maybe it's just old.
There's this really great Nike ad...I'm going to put it in my binder.
So, I'm weak and tired. Guess that's the conclusion. I need to write about some good songs and poetry when I get the chance. Caesar's killing me. And so are Constructed Responses. And my mother has this article about Lance and Sheryl and she just kept going on about how once I read it I would have less respect for Lance...like his dieting habits and whatnot. Sheesh.
I love The Usual Suspects.
She lived on a curve in the road, in an old tar-paper shack
On the south side of the town, on the wrong side of the tracks
Sometimes on the way into town we’d say:
Mama, can we stop and give her a ride?
Sometimes we did but her hands flew from her side
Wild eyed, crazy mary
Down along the road, past the parson’s place
The old blue car we used to race
Little country store with a sign tacked to the side
Said no l-o-i-t-e-r-i-n-g allowed
Underneath that sign always congregated quite a crowd
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
One night thunder cracked mercy backed outside her windowsill
Dreamed I was flying high above the trees, over the hills
Looked down into the house of mary
Bare bulb on, newspaper-covered walls, and mary rising up above it all
Next morning on the way into town
Saw some skid marks, and followed them around
Over the curve,through the fields, into the house of mary
That what you fear the most, could meet you halfway
That what you fear the most, could meet you halfway
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Bengis, writer and teacher (1944- )
Power always thinks it has a great soul and vast views beyond the
comprehension of the weak; and that it is doing God's service when it is
violating all his laws. -John Adams, 2nd US president (1735-1826)
People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of
foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools. -Alice Walker,
writer (1944- )
War, at first, is the hope that one will be better off; next, the
expectation that the other fellow will be worse off; then, the satisfaction
that he isn't any better off; and, finally, the surprise at everyone's
being worse off. -Karl Kraus, writer (1874-1936)
Half the truth is often a great lie. -Benjamin Franklin, statesman, author,
and inventor (1706-1790)
To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men. -Abraham
Lincoln, 16th US president (1809-1865)
Language is a city to the building of which every human being brought a
stone. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer and philosopher (1803-1882)
The heart that breaks open can contain the whole universe. -Joanna Macy,
writer and teacher (1929- )
A man needs a little madness, or else he never dares cut the rope and be
free. -Nikos Kazantzakis, writer (1883-1957)
Let us face a pluralistic world in which there are no universal churches,
no single remedy for all diseases, no one way to teach or write or sing, no
magic diet, no world poets, and no chosen races, but only the wretched and
wonderfully diversified human race. -Jacques Barzun, professor and writer
(1907- )
My life is my message. -Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)
Great geniuses have the shortest biographies. -Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer
and philosopher (1803-1882)
The most exhausting thing in life is being insincere. -Anne Morrow
Lindbergh, writer (1906-2001)
So this Reader's Theater nonsense is getting to me. The Insanity of Mary Girard...yes, I think about Crazy Mary every single day, but that's cool because I love the song. The performance is just draining. Oh well...we're performing on Friday, so I guess it can't be that terribly much longer. Districts in Camdenton at 1:35 on Friday, for those of you interested! Haha...
So Lent started today - Ash Wednesday. I didn't even know til this morning when Diana asked Cole what he was giving up for Lent...kinda an inside joke between them because they're both Catholic. Me being Lutheran, I don't have to give up anything, but it is a nice idea. It's funny how many people are trying to "give up" profanity. Me included, the little that I do. And crap food that I love. I made it one day!
I've just been extremely tired lately and lacking in just about everything. I really don't even have very hard classes, and yet I feel overloaded. Don't know how I'm gonna hack the AP stuff next year. Time will tell, I guess. I just don't see how those kids in Japan go at it. My 6th grade teacher taught in Japan for like 11 years and she said their workload is unbelieveable. They go to libraries every day after school to study or even take extra classes. I guess like Señor Ratliff said, they don't have school sports in other countries.
Speaking of sports, I just don't know what is up with me lately. I need a "mental health day" or something. I just need to get it together. It's bad. Something's missing or just not quite right. I guess my mind is getting weak? Or maybe it's just old.
There's this really great Nike ad...I'm going to put it in my binder.
So, I'm weak and tired. Guess that's the conclusion. I need to write about some good songs and poetry when I get the chance. Caesar's killing me. And so are Constructed Responses. And my mother has this article about Lance and Sheryl and she just kept going on about how once I read it I would have less respect for Lance...like his dieting habits and whatnot. Sheesh.
I love The Usual Suspects.
She lived on a curve in the road, in an old tar-paper shack
On the south side of the town, on the wrong side of the tracks
Sometimes on the way into town we’d say:
Mama, can we stop and give her a ride?
Sometimes we did but her hands flew from her side
Wild eyed, crazy mary
Down along the road, past the parson’s place
The old blue car we used to race
Little country store with a sign tacked to the side
Said no l-o-i-t-e-r-i-n-g allowed
Underneath that sign always congregated quite a crowd
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
One night thunder cracked mercy backed outside her windowsill
Dreamed I was flying high above the trees, over the hills
Looked down into the house of mary
Bare bulb on, newspaper-covered walls, and mary rising up above it all
Next morning on the way into town
Saw some skid marks, and followed them around
Over the curve,through the fields, into the house of mary
That what you fear the most, could meet you halfway
That what you fear the most, could meet you halfway
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Take a bottle, drink it down, pass it around
Saturday, February 11, 2006
How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb
The limits of my language mean the limits of my world. -Ludwig Wittgenstein,
philosopher (1889-1951)
There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the
world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do,
how we look, what we say, and how we say it. -Dale Carnegie, author and
educator (1888-1955)
People who lean on logic and philosophy and rational exposition end by
starving the best part of the mind. -William Butler Yeats, writer, Nobel
laureate (1865-1939)
In the republic of mediocrity genius is dangerous. -Robert G. Ingersoll,
lawyer and orator (1833-1899)
Truth is not only violated by falsehood; it may be equally outraged by
silence. -Henri Frederic Amiel philosopher and writer (1821-1881)
The satiated man and the hungry one do not see the same thing when they
look upon a loaf of bread. -Rumi, poet and mystic (1207-1273)
Lying is done with words and also with silence. -Adrienne Rich, writer and
teacher (1929- )
When we have the courage to speak out -- to break our silence -- we inspire
the rest of the "moderates" in our communities to speak up and voice their
views. -Sharon Schuster
It does not require many words to speak the truth. -Chief Joseph, native
American leader (1840-1904)
As the State is a soulless machine, it can never be weaned from violence to
which it owes its very existence. -Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)
Why should I give them my mind as well? -Dalai Lama, when asked if he
wasn't angry at the Chinese for taking over his country. (1935- )
So I haven't updated in about a century...lots going on. Here's Bono's insight on How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb:
'How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb is an odd title for album,' he mused. 'We accept that. Actually I was talking about my father Bob. He was the atomic bomb in question. I wanna thank my father Bob for giving me the voice and a bit of attitude to use it ...'
Just bought the CD tonight...it's good. Not quite The Joshua Tree, but what can you expect? I approve of it. It may just take some getting used to. Unlike Lifehouse, which I am currently absolutely addicted to.
I love how I'm writing this when I have a 103 point paper due Monday that I haven't even started yet. Oh well. I do what I want. Or at least I like to think so. I'm past the point of exhaustion right now, so it's probably smart not to listen to me. But I did get rock candy tonight, which made me happy. We no longer can purchase it anywhere in this town, therefore, I must go to Co-Town to get it. AND I got lipgloss!!! The minty kind from Bath & Body. Best kind ever. Trust me, I know. And I got some sticky notes...so all in all, it was a productive night. Ate at Olive Garden with Mom, Wen, and Grannie...I ate way too much. But pasta's good, so I have an excuse. I miss Quin. Can't wait to see what they do tomorrow. He was the best part of even watching them...besides Kleiza...I mean, come on, the guy was Lithuanian! I've decided that I'm going to go to Duke, just so I can chill with Coach K. That would be unbelievable. Read some more Lance tonight...always an inspiration. He's one of those people that I would always love to be able to meet and talk to (like John Rzeznik) but what would you talk about to someone of that stature? I'd most likely just be stupefied. Like John Nash (Russel Crowe) in A Beautiful Mind..."Terrified. Mortified. Petrified. Stupefied... by you." I love that movie. Speaking of movies I love, I walk into the living room when we got home, and Fajah is watching The Green Mile, so I caught about the last 10 minutes of it. One I will always love. Couldn't find Love Actually today at Target. Stupid.
On to deeper things (hopefully)...yes, I need to get the new fodder on here, though by now, it's probably not as new. Still has the same effect. Will try to do that sometime soon. Maybe I'm just scared of what I have to say. Or just can't think of anything. Either/or at this point. So I had this rather disheartening revelation last night about not being able to achieve what you've always wanted. Although I didn't want to believe it, it was the truth, and the truth you must accept. I also realized that there's a chance that I will amount to absolutely nothing. I guess it's still the naive, untouched part of me that still wants to believe that there's something bigger out there for me, that I will be something great. But what is "great", anyway? It has to be self-defined. So what if I became the next Lance? Yes, I may inspire people and help the world, but no one really knows him, and sooner or later, he will be forgotten. (Okay, so maybe he never will be forgotten, but for the sake of this thought, he might). When people (me included) think of someone that has impacted their life, it is not a movie star or famous inspirational figure, but someone who has been there for them, been close to them, and taught them. People think of their mothers...and maybe that's what it is, in the end. A family. Close friends. The learning experience. So giving up this thought of becoming something, maybe not giving it up, but realizing that it won't happen, or it's something altogether different than originally thought, well...it's a difficult thing. And I still have the hope...that pushes those that will let it. There's always hope.
More later...I'm exhausted.
philosopher (1889-1951)
There are four ways, and only four ways, in which we have contact with the
world. We are evaluated and classified by these four contacts: what we do,
how we look, what we say, and how we say it. -Dale Carnegie, author and
educator (1888-1955)
People who lean on logic and philosophy and rational exposition end by
starving the best part of the mind. -William Butler Yeats, writer, Nobel
laureate (1865-1939)
In the republic of mediocrity genius is dangerous. -Robert G. Ingersoll,
lawyer and orator (1833-1899)
Truth is not only violated by falsehood; it may be equally outraged by
silence. -Henri Frederic Amiel philosopher and writer (1821-1881)
The satiated man and the hungry one do not see the same thing when they
look upon a loaf of bread. -Rumi, poet and mystic (1207-1273)
Lying is done with words and also with silence. -Adrienne Rich, writer and
teacher (1929- )
When we have the courage to speak out -- to break our silence -- we inspire
the rest of the "moderates" in our communities to speak up and voice their
views. -Sharon Schuster
It does not require many words to speak the truth. -Chief Joseph, native
American leader (1840-1904)
As the State is a soulless machine, it can never be weaned from violence to
which it owes its very existence. -Mohandas K. Gandhi (1869-1948)
Why should I give them my mind as well? -Dalai Lama, when asked if he
wasn't angry at the Chinese for taking over his country. (1935- )
So I haven't updated in about a century...lots going on. Here's Bono's insight on How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb:
'How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb is an odd title for album,' he mused. 'We accept that. Actually I was talking about my father Bob. He was the atomic bomb in question. I wanna thank my father Bob for giving me the voice and a bit of attitude to use it ...'
Just bought the CD tonight...it's good. Not quite The Joshua Tree, but what can you expect? I approve of it. It may just take some getting used to. Unlike Lifehouse, which I am currently absolutely addicted to.
I love how I'm writing this when I have a 103 point paper due Monday that I haven't even started yet. Oh well. I do what I want. Or at least I like to think so. I'm past the point of exhaustion right now, so it's probably smart not to listen to me. But I did get rock candy tonight, which made me happy. We no longer can purchase it anywhere in this town, therefore, I must go to Co-Town to get it. AND I got lipgloss!!! The minty kind from Bath & Body. Best kind ever. Trust me, I know. And I got some sticky notes...so all in all, it was a productive night. Ate at Olive Garden with Mom, Wen, and Grannie...I ate way too much. But pasta's good, so I have an excuse. I miss Quin. Can't wait to see what they do tomorrow. He was the best part of even watching them...besides Kleiza...I mean, come on, the guy was Lithuanian! I've decided that I'm going to go to Duke, just so I can chill with Coach K. That would be unbelievable. Read some more Lance tonight...always an inspiration. He's one of those people that I would always love to be able to meet and talk to (like John Rzeznik) but what would you talk about to someone of that stature? I'd most likely just be stupefied. Like John Nash (Russel Crowe) in A Beautiful Mind..."Terrified. Mortified. Petrified. Stupefied... by you." I love that movie. Speaking of movies I love, I walk into the living room when we got home, and Fajah is watching The Green Mile, so I caught about the last 10 minutes of it. One I will always love. Couldn't find Love Actually today at Target. Stupid.
On to deeper things (hopefully)...yes, I need to get the new fodder on here, though by now, it's probably not as new. Still has the same effect. Will try to do that sometime soon. Maybe I'm just scared of what I have to say. Or just can't think of anything. Either/or at this point. So I had this rather disheartening revelation last night about not being able to achieve what you've always wanted. Although I didn't want to believe it, it was the truth, and the truth you must accept. I also realized that there's a chance that I will amount to absolutely nothing. I guess it's still the naive, untouched part of me that still wants to believe that there's something bigger out there for me, that I will be something great. But what is "great", anyway? It has to be self-defined. So what if I became the next Lance? Yes, I may inspire people and help the world, but no one really knows him, and sooner or later, he will be forgotten. (Okay, so maybe he never will be forgotten, but for the sake of this thought, he might). When people (me included) think of someone that has impacted their life, it is not a movie star or famous inspirational figure, but someone who has been there for them, been close to them, and taught them. People think of their mothers...and maybe that's what it is, in the end. A family. Close friends. The learning experience. So giving up this thought of becoming something, maybe not giving it up, but realizing that it won't happen, or it's something altogether different than originally thought, well...it's a difficult thing. And I still have the hope...that pushes those that will let it. There's always hope.
More later...I'm exhausted.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Gone
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! I had this whole thing typed up and then the site messes up. Thanks a ton. I swear.
A king can stand people fighting but he can't last long if people start
thinking. -Will Rogers, humorist (1879-1935)
We love flattery, even though we are not deceived by it, because it shows
that we are of importance enough to be courted. -Ralph Waldo Emerson,
writer and philosopher (1803-1882)
We will bankrupt ourselves in the vain search for absolute security.
-Dwight David Eisenhower, U.S. general and 34th president (1890-1969)
Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone? -Thomas Wolfe, novelist
(1900-1938)
Alright, this is a little late, seeing that we're already 12 days in to 2006, but what the heck? I liked it...should be interesting to see what I'm gonna say...
in the beginning of 2005...
did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Nope
how old were you?: 15
what was your outlook on the world?: I was learning so much, not only that, but looking at things in such a different way. (Slipped Away just came on shuffle...hmm)
how were you doing at school/your job?: All A's in everything, except an A- in Geometry, which sucked. And I really didn't like the teacher (that's put nicely), but she ended up nominating me for the consistent effort award. Irony. Art sucked soooo bad, and so did Driver's Ed. Can't believe I even lived through it all, and yet, there were good things that came out of it.
what did you most look forward to?: Club being over (it sucked) and summer for sure
did you make new year's resolutions?: Yep - walking Molly and drinking water...did both of them more, but not enough.
what was your biggest worry?: School, without a doubt
what did you do with your spare time?: Managed soccer, which was a blast, weightlifted with school, then conditioning with Coach Salmon, club volleyball, etc. The good stuff: watched some awesome movies, read some great books, listened to incredible music, and ran.
what did you do for fun?: Not a lot, actually
in the middle of 2005 - the summer!
did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Nope, "dated" someone though, I guess
had your outlook on the world changed?: Yes and no
what did you spend your summer doing?: Jays volleyball camp, West Plains volleyball team camp, Mizzou volleyball camp, Volleyball conditioning and tryouts, then practice every day. Went to MASC and my cousin had her wedding was this summer, too.
did you get a tan?: Sadly, not really
did you go visit anywhere?: Mackinaw City, Mackinac Island, and Traverse City, Michigan...The Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island was incredible
what was your biggest worry?: How the volleyball season would play out, and how my new classes would go...also, the end to the summer relationship
what was the most fun event that happened?: StuCo camp in Fulton was a blast, playing volleyball, and PARASAILING in Michigan!!!
and as the year draws to an end...
still have a significant other?: Nope
how old are you?: 16
what major changes have happened since the year began?: Not a whole lot has changed, really. I still stress out way too much about school and everything. The high school wasn't too hard to adjust to, but it's a significant change.
is your life any different from when it started this year?: I've been flying solo lately, and it's good. Get to spend time with a lot of different people, and I've realized that there are people out there my age who are intelligent (outside of the classroom). I've hung out with a bunch of different groups and it's been good.
what thing that happened stands out in your mind?: All that I've been able to learn. And not the textbook-type knowledge, but things so much deeper. My life was changed and it's something I will never forget.
how have you changed?: I haven't really changed at all. Which is scary, because everyone around me is. My goals and my morals are still the same, and they won't be changing anytime soon. It's just sad to see so many people change for the worse.
what was the most embarrassing moment?: Every day is an embarrassing moment. I do stupid stuff all the time. I guess I've learned to forget everything stupid I've done because I do it so often...
when was your lowest point?: January - I was a basket case.
are you happy with how the year went?: It happened. I can't really say that it was how I would have wanted it to happen, but it did. It wasn't terrible. Actually, at times it was. Not much you can do about it.
what thing would you change if you could?: I really don't think I would change anything, once I think about it.
for 2006...
what do you plan to not do that you did this year?: Do things that I want to do, although I know it's not going to happen. And talk to people all the time - not that I don't, but sometimes I'll see someone and then I feel like I should have said something. And become a better conversationalist.
do you think it'll be better than this year?: "Maybe this year will be better than the last/I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself/to hold on to these moments as they pass" This year wasn't bad, but it wasn't great, either. Hopefully, this next year will be better.
do you think it'll be WORSE than this year?: I hope not. If I had to dub this year, it would be "The year of screwed up and terribly missed relationships" I learned the hard way that you can NOT trust people. At all. Thank God for the exceptions. And there are exceptions, if only one or two. It's scary how people change, but it's a comfort knowing that I am still the same person.
what do you plan to do next year?: Do my best in everything (I've discovered that I'm full of BS when it comes to writing papers!), not stress out over every little thing, make the big decisions that are to come correctly
what are your pre-new year's resolutions?: Well, New Year's has already happened...
who are you spending new year's eve with?: I spent it with my family - Gma, Mom, Dad, Wendy, Sadie, Cole, Heather, Brent, Aunt Kathy, Uncle Leroy - and tons of good food!!!
and to wrap it up...
what one thing would you like to say as the year is almost done?: I've learned a lot in the first 12 days of the New Year, already. I owe so much to some people, one in particular. I've learned that the great things that happened in the past are still there. They're still yours. I've learned to live with the past and present side by side. Although things may change, they were great at one time, and that moment in time will always remain what it was. Last year, I learned so much. More than I thought possible, and it all came as a surprise to me. Great things happened this past year, and I will never forget. More than anything, I just want to gain more confidence in what I do, and hopefully that confidence will cause some sense of accomplishment and the realization that it's okay to relax every once in awhile.
Still ticked about losing that post...this one probably isn't as good, but I did what I could. The Honors paper is FINALLY finished, and I am overjoyed. Things have been okay lately. Nothing terrible, but nothing great, either. So I guess this is life? "Gone" came on my iPod when I was driving home through uptown and things again just kind of seemed to fall into place for a minute. Maybe I should drive more often? Coach Hughes was at FCA today...he is inspiring! He definitely gets with it! I'm so glad we have FCA because it keeps me centered on what's really important, although I often forget. We have the day off on Monday, and it is then that I will write a post that has been hanging around waiting for the right words to find it. For now, I must memorize a poem and study Spanish II.
She told him she'd rather fix her makeup
Than try to fix what's going on
But the problem keeps on calling
Even with the cell phone gone
She told him that she believes in living
Bigger than she's living now
But her world keeps spinning backwards
And upsidedown
Don't say so long in the cell phone
Don't spend today away
Cuz today will soon be
Gone, like yesterday is gone,
Like history is
Gone, just try and prove me wrong
And pretend like your immortal
She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every day we borrow
Brings us one step closer to the edge, infinity
Where's your treasure, where's your hope
Forget the world and lose your soul
She pretends like, she pretends like she's immortal
Don't say so long
You're not that far gone
This could be your big chance to makeup
Today will soon be
Gone, like yeterday is gone,
Like history is gone,
The world keeps spinning on,
You're going, going, gone,
Like sumemr break is gone,
Like Saturday is gone
Just try and prove me wrong
You pretend like you're immortal, you're immortal
We are not infinite
We are not permanent
Nothing is immediate
We're so confident
In our accomplishments
Look at how dark it is
Gone, like Frank Sinatra
Like Elvis and his mom
Like Al Pacino's cash, nothing lasts in this life
My high school dreams are gone
My childhood sweets are gone
Life is a day that doesn't last for long
Life is more than money
Time was never money
Time was never cash
Life is still more than girls
Life is more than hundred dollar bills
And oh the town fills
Life is more than fame and rock and roll and thrills
All the riches of the kings
End up in wills
We got information in the information age
But do we know what life is
Outside of our conveinent Lexus cages
She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every moment that we borrow
Brings us closer to the God who's not short of cash
Hey Bono I'm glad you asked
Life is still worth living, life is still worth living
A king can stand people fighting but he can't last long if people start
thinking. -Will Rogers, humorist (1879-1935)
We love flattery, even though we are not deceived by it, because it shows
that we are of importance enough to be courted. -Ralph Waldo Emerson,
writer and philosopher (1803-1882)
We will bankrupt ourselves in the vain search for absolute security.
-Dwight David Eisenhower, U.S. general and 34th president (1890-1969)
Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone? -Thomas Wolfe, novelist
(1900-1938)
Alright, this is a little late, seeing that we're already 12 days in to 2006, but what the heck? I liked it...should be interesting to see what I'm gonna say...
in the beginning of 2005...
did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Nope
how old were you?: 15
what was your outlook on the world?: I was learning so much, not only that, but looking at things in such a different way. (Slipped Away just came on shuffle...hmm)
how were you doing at school/your job?: All A's in everything, except an A- in Geometry, which sucked. And I really didn't like the teacher (that's put nicely), but she ended up nominating me for the consistent effort award. Irony. Art sucked soooo bad, and so did Driver's Ed. Can't believe I even lived through it all, and yet, there were good things that came out of it.
what did you most look forward to?: Club being over (it sucked) and summer for sure
did you make new year's resolutions?: Yep - walking Molly and drinking water...did both of them more, but not enough.
what was your biggest worry?: School, without a doubt
what did you do with your spare time?: Managed soccer, which was a blast, weightlifted with school, then conditioning with Coach Salmon, club volleyball, etc. The good stuff: watched some awesome movies, read some great books, listened to incredible music, and ran.
what did you do for fun?: Not a lot, actually
in the middle of 2005 - the summer!
did you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Nope, "dated" someone though, I guess
had your outlook on the world changed?: Yes and no
what did you spend your summer doing?: Jays volleyball camp, West Plains volleyball team camp, Mizzou volleyball camp, Volleyball conditioning and tryouts, then practice every day. Went to MASC and my cousin had her wedding was this summer, too.
did you get a tan?: Sadly, not really
did you go visit anywhere?: Mackinaw City, Mackinac Island, and Traverse City, Michigan...The Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island was incredible
what was your biggest worry?: How the volleyball season would play out, and how my new classes would go...also, the end to the summer relationship
what was the most fun event that happened?: StuCo camp in Fulton was a blast, playing volleyball, and PARASAILING in Michigan!!!
and as the year draws to an end...
still have a significant other?: Nope
how old are you?: 16
what major changes have happened since the year began?: Not a whole lot has changed, really. I still stress out way too much about school and everything. The high school wasn't too hard to adjust to, but it's a significant change.
is your life any different from when it started this year?: I've been flying solo lately, and it's good. Get to spend time with a lot of different people, and I've realized that there are people out there my age who are intelligent (outside of the classroom). I've hung out with a bunch of different groups and it's been good.
what thing that happened stands out in your mind?: All that I've been able to learn. And not the textbook-type knowledge, but things so much deeper. My life was changed and it's something I will never forget.
how have you changed?: I haven't really changed at all. Which is scary, because everyone around me is. My goals and my morals are still the same, and they won't be changing anytime soon. It's just sad to see so many people change for the worse.
what was the most embarrassing moment?: Every day is an embarrassing moment. I do stupid stuff all the time. I guess I've learned to forget everything stupid I've done because I do it so often...
when was your lowest point?: January - I was a basket case.
are you happy with how the year went?: It happened. I can't really say that it was how I would have wanted it to happen, but it did. It wasn't terrible. Actually, at times it was. Not much you can do about it.
what thing would you change if you could?: I really don't think I would change anything, once I think about it.
for 2006...
what do you plan to not do that you did this year?: Do things that I want to do, although I know it's not going to happen. And talk to people all the time - not that I don't, but sometimes I'll see someone and then I feel like I should have said something. And become a better conversationalist.
do you think it'll be better than this year?: "Maybe this year will be better than the last/I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself/to hold on to these moments as they pass" This year wasn't bad, but it wasn't great, either. Hopefully, this next year will be better.
do you think it'll be WORSE than this year?: I hope not. If I had to dub this year, it would be "The year of screwed up and terribly missed relationships" I learned the hard way that you can NOT trust people. At all. Thank God for the exceptions. And there are exceptions, if only one or two. It's scary how people change, but it's a comfort knowing that I am still the same person.
what do you plan to do next year?: Do my best in everything (I've discovered that I'm full of BS when it comes to writing papers!), not stress out over every little thing, make the big decisions that are to come correctly
what are your pre-new year's resolutions?: Well, New Year's has already happened...
who are you spending new year's eve with?: I spent it with my family - Gma, Mom, Dad, Wendy, Sadie, Cole, Heather, Brent, Aunt Kathy, Uncle Leroy - and tons of good food!!!
and to wrap it up...
what one thing would you like to say as the year is almost done?: I've learned a lot in the first 12 days of the New Year, already. I owe so much to some people, one in particular. I've learned that the great things that happened in the past are still there. They're still yours. I've learned to live with the past and present side by side. Although things may change, they were great at one time, and that moment in time will always remain what it was. Last year, I learned so much. More than I thought possible, and it all came as a surprise to me. Great things happened this past year, and I will never forget. More than anything, I just want to gain more confidence in what I do, and hopefully that confidence will cause some sense of accomplishment and the realization that it's okay to relax every once in awhile.
Still ticked about losing that post...this one probably isn't as good, but I did what I could. The Honors paper is FINALLY finished, and I am overjoyed. Things have been okay lately. Nothing terrible, but nothing great, either. So I guess this is life? "Gone" came on my iPod when I was driving home through uptown and things again just kind of seemed to fall into place for a minute. Maybe I should drive more often? Coach Hughes was at FCA today...he is inspiring! He definitely gets with it! I'm so glad we have FCA because it keeps me centered on what's really important, although I often forget. We have the day off on Monday, and it is then that I will write a post that has been hanging around waiting for the right words to find it. For now, I must memorize a poem and study Spanish II.
She told him she'd rather fix her makeup
Than try to fix what's going on
But the problem keeps on calling
Even with the cell phone gone
She told him that she believes in living
Bigger than she's living now
But her world keeps spinning backwards
And upsidedown
Don't say so long in the cell phone
Don't spend today away
Cuz today will soon be
Gone, like yesterday is gone,
Like history is
Gone, just try and prove me wrong
And pretend like your immortal
She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every day we borrow
Brings us one step closer to the edge, infinity
Where's your treasure, where's your hope
Forget the world and lose your soul
She pretends like, she pretends like she's immortal
Don't say so long
You're not that far gone
This could be your big chance to makeup
Today will soon be
Gone, like yeterday is gone,
Like history is gone,
The world keeps spinning on,
You're going, going, gone,
Like sumemr break is gone,
Like Saturday is gone
Just try and prove me wrong
You pretend like you're immortal, you're immortal
We are not infinite
We are not permanent
Nothing is immediate
We're so confident
In our accomplishments
Look at how dark it is
Gone, like Frank Sinatra
Like Elvis and his mom
Like Al Pacino's cash, nothing lasts in this life
My high school dreams are gone
My childhood sweets are gone
Life is a day that doesn't last for long
Life is more than money
Time was never money
Time was never cash
Life is still more than girls
Life is more than hundred dollar bills
And oh the town fills
Life is more than fame and rock and roll and thrills
All the riches of the kings
End up in wills
We got information in the information age
But do we know what life is
Outside of our conveinent Lexus cages
She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every moment that we borrow
Brings us closer to the God who's not short of cash
Hey Bono I'm glad you asked
Life is still worth living, life is still worth living
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Mrs. Potter's Lullaby
When I feel inclined to read poetry, I take down my dictionary. The poetry
of words is quite as beautiful as the poetry of sentences. The author may
arrange the gems effectively, but their shape and lustre have been given by
the attrition of ages. -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., writer and physician
(1809-1894)
An open mind is a prerequisite to an open heart. -Robert M. Sapolsky,
neuroscientist and author (1957- )
Words form the thread on which we string our experiences. -Aldous Huxley,
novelist (1894-1963)
^Notice the above quote didn't say, "Words form the thread on which we string our analyses." I believe I got my point across.
As I was driving home tonight at the early hour of 8 (instead of the expected 10), I had my iPod playing and Mrs. Potter's Lullaby came on. I don't know what it was. It's probably just one of those experiences you can't put into words, but I shall try anyway. It occured to me how open the future really is. For a minute, everything was so unknown, and yet, I was alright with it. It was just a kind of peace. It could have been the music, it could have been the view of seeing all the city lights coming down Southwest Blvd. or it could have been what I realized after I had thought about all that. And that was this - some things will always be with me, no matter what. Through any and everything, they will always be there. Even if they aren't anywhere near, they're still with me. And there are some things that I will always remember. It's part of my makeup, I know, to forget things. It may have been at a young age, before I even realized that I was doing it - forgetting all these things that have happened to me - but I know there are things that I won't. A comfort.
And I finally realized where I had heard "Fire and Rain" by James Taylor before - on Remember the Titans. What a great movie. I just saw the last 20 minutes or so on TNT. I thought about watching the whole thing tonight because I got it for Christmas, but even in my movie-viewing experiences, I shall be a responisble student and watch Patch Adams in my research for Zelda Sayre in The Last Flapper - the piece I'm doing for Speech and Drama Performance.
One more rather broad but specific thought/question/consideration. After so much of taking something, you reach a point where you don't know if you can go through with it any more. It was something you loved at one time, but do you love it now? And what do you do when there is something that you love equally, or maybe even more, and they are asking you continually to join? It's a matter of glory, and I don't want to go out, knowing that I left something behind, but I don't want to stay, knowing that it's ruining any other possibility of any type of happiness, joy, and the like. What, then, shall I do? As far as I can conclude, I will let time decide. But is that the best answer?
Guess I'm finished. I really need to get some stuff on here, but as I have held, it has to be the right time and the right inspiration. Not that I don't have the inspiration now, just the inspiration combined with no lack of words. And trust me, I'm usually lacking.
Listened to "Elderly Woman in a Small Town" live and album versions. Love them.
Got an awesome ringtone today, as well...any guesses?
Off to study...and watch a movie all in one. This I like.
Well I woke up in mid afternoon cause that's when it all hurts the most
I dream I never know anyone at the party and I'm always the host
If dreams are like movies then memories are films about ghosts
You can never escape, you can only move south down the coast
Well I am an idiot walking a tightrope of fortune and fame
I am an acrobat swinging trapezes through circles of flame
If you've never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame
And though I'll never forget your face sometimes I can't remember my name
Hey, Mrs. Potter, don't cry
Hey, Mrs. Potter, I know why
But, hey, Mrs. Potter, won't you talk to me
Well there's a piece of Maria in every song that I sing
And the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings
And there is always one last light to turn out and one last bell to ring
And the last one out of the circus has to lock up everything
Or the elephants will get out and forget to remember what you said
Oh and the ghosts of the tilt-o-whirl will linger inside of your head
Oh and the Ferris wheel junkies will spin there forever instead
When I see you, a blanket of stars covers me in my bed
Hey, Mrs. Potter, don't go, I said
Hey, Mrs. Potter, I don't know, but
Hey, Mrs. Potter, won't you talk to me
Well all the blue light reflections that color my mind when I sleep
And the lovesick rejections that accompany the company I keep
All the razor perceptions that cut just a little too deep
Hey, I can bleed as well as anyone but I need someone to help me sleep
So I throw my hand into the air and it swims in the beams
It's just a brief interruption of the swirling dust sparkle jet stream
Well I know I don't know you and you're probably not what you seem
Aw, but I'd sure like to find out
So why don't you climb down off that movie screen
Hey, Mrs. Potter, don't turn
Hey, Mrs. Potter, I burn for you
Hey, Mrs. Potter, won't you talk to me
When the last king of Hollywood shatters his glass on the floor
And orders another
Well, I wonder what he did that for
That's when I know that I have to get out cause I have been there before
So I gave up my seat at the bar and I head for the door. Yeah.
We drove out to the desert just to lie down beneath this bowl of stars
We stand up in the Palace, like it's the last of the great pioneer town bars
Aw, we shout out these songs against the clang of electric guitars
Well, you can see a million miles tonight
But you can't get very far
Aw, you can see a million miles tonight
But you can't get very far
Hey, Mrs. Potter, I won't touch and
Hey, Mrs. Potter, it's not much but
Hey, Mrs. Potter, won't you talk to me
of words is quite as beautiful as the poetry of sentences. The author may
arrange the gems effectively, but their shape and lustre have been given by
the attrition of ages. -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., writer and physician
(1809-1894)
An open mind is a prerequisite to an open heart. -Robert M. Sapolsky,
neuroscientist and author (1957- )
Words form the thread on which we string our experiences. -Aldous Huxley,
novelist (1894-1963)
^Notice the above quote didn't say, "Words form the thread on which we string our analyses." I believe I got my point across.
As I was driving home tonight at the early hour of 8 (instead of the expected 10), I had my iPod playing and Mrs. Potter's Lullaby came on. I don't know what it was. It's probably just one of those experiences you can't put into words, but I shall try anyway. It occured to me how open the future really is. For a minute, everything was so unknown, and yet, I was alright with it. It was just a kind of peace. It could have been the music, it could have been the view of seeing all the city lights coming down Southwest Blvd. or it could have been what I realized after I had thought about all that. And that was this - some things will always be with me, no matter what. Through any and everything, they will always be there. Even if they aren't anywhere near, they're still with me. And there are some things that I will always remember. It's part of my makeup, I know, to forget things. It may have been at a young age, before I even realized that I was doing it - forgetting all these things that have happened to me - but I know there are things that I won't. A comfort.
And I finally realized where I had heard "Fire and Rain" by James Taylor before - on Remember the Titans. What a great movie. I just saw the last 20 minutes or so on TNT. I thought about watching the whole thing tonight because I got it for Christmas, but even in my movie-viewing experiences, I shall be a responisble student and watch Patch Adams in my research for Zelda Sayre in The Last Flapper - the piece I'm doing for Speech and Drama Performance.
One more rather broad but specific thought/question/consideration. After so much of taking something, you reach a point where you don't know if you can go through with it any more. It was something you loved at one time, but do you love it now? And what do you do when there is something that you love equally, or maybe even more, and they are asking you continually to join? It's a matter of glory, and I don't want to go out, knowing that I left something behind, but I don't want to stay, knowing that it's ruining any other possibility of any type of happiness, joy, and the like. What, then, shall I do? As far as I can conclude, I will let time decide. But is that the best answer?
Guess I'm finished. I really need to get some stuff on here, but as I have held, it has to be the right time and the right inspiration. Not that I don't have the inspiration now, just the inspiration combined with no lack of words. And trust me, I'm usually lacking.
Listened to "Elderly Woman in a Small Town" live and album versions. Love them.
Got an awesome ringtone today, as well...any guesses?
Off to study...and watch a movie all in one. This I like.
Well I woke up in mid afternoon cause that's when it all hurts the most
I dream I never know anyone at the party and I'm always the host
If dreams are like movies then memories are films about ghosts
You can never escape, you can only move south down the coast
Well I am an idiot walking a tightrope of fortune and fame
I am an acrobat swinging trapezes through circles of flame
If you've never stared off into the distance then your life is a shame
And though I'll never forget your face sometimes I can't remember my name
Hey, Mrs. Potter, don't cry
Hey, Mrs. Potter, I know why
But, hey, Mrs. Potter, won't you talk to me
Well there's a piece of Maria in every song that I sing
And the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings
And there is always one last light to turn out and one last bell to ring
And the last one out of the circus has to lock up everything
Or the elephants will get out and forget to remember what you said
Oh and the ghosts of the tilt-o-whirl will linger inside of your head
Oh and the Ferris wheel junkies will spin there forever instead
When I see you, a blanket of stars covers me in my bed
Hey, Mrs. Potter, don't go, I said
Hey, Mrs. Potter, I don't know, but
Hey, Mrs. Potter, won't you talk to me
Well all the blue light reflections that color my mind when I sleep
And the lovesick rejections that accompany the company I keep
All the razor perceptions that cut just a little too deep
Hey, I can bleed as well as anyone but I need someone to help me sleep
So I throw my hand into the air and it swims in the beams
It's just a brief interruption of the swirling dust sparkle jet stream
Well I know I don't know you and you're probably not what you seem
Aw, but I'd sure like to find out
So why don't you climb down off that movie screen
Hey, Mrs. Potter, don't turn
Hey, Mrs. Potter, I burn for you
Hey, Mrs. Potter, won't you talk to me
When the last king of Hollywood shatters his glass on the floor
And orders another
Well, I wonder what he did that for
That's when I know that I have to get out cause I have been there before
So I gave up my seat at the bar and I head for the door. Yeah.
We drove out to the desert just to lie down beneath this bowl of stars
We stand up in the Palace, like it's the last of the great pioneer town bars
Aw, we shout out these songs against the clang of electric guitars
Well, you can see a million miles tonight
But you can't get very far
Aw, you can see a million miles tonight
But you can't get very far
Hey, Mrs. Potter, I won't touch and
Hey, Mrs. Potter, it's not much but
Hey, Mrs. Potter, won't you talk to me